May 1! Boy this year is flying!!
I'm very sad that I won't be going to Las Vegas for the EX weekend this year, but I just couldn't find a way to make it work. So I'm taking my sister for a few days in Myrtle Beach, SC during that time, but I will be with those who are there in spirit.
The job is going really well, and I'm trying to balance working with my personal life. But the commute is my biggest challenge. An hour and a half in the morning (for a trip I can make in about 38 minutes with no traffic). I've tried every route, I've tried every time, but there's no way around it. I'm listening to books on CD to help me keep my mind off of how much I HATE spending all that time in traffic, and it helps some. I'm a work in progress in dealing with that drive. I came back from Richmond (more about that later) yesterday, and from Richmond to where I get off of Route 95 took from 3:30 to 5:30. Then the road I take to get to Manassas was clear for about 10 minutes and then it got jammed up. After another half hour (that should have been 15 minutes) I turned on the road that is usually 3 minutes from my house. I got stuck behind some kind of ceremonial thing that involved 6 guys running, and ambulances and police cars following, with police on motorcycles keeping the intersections closed. It took me 30 minutes, not 3 to get home. OMG. I was truly a crazy woman when I got home, partly because my expectation was that there wouldn't be traffic if I returned from Richmond on a Saturday evening. Wrong.
My pulmonary rehab is going great -- who knew I would love it so much? Three nights a week of supervised exercise and I'm really getting better at it and getting stronger in general. I'm challenging the idea that because I have COPD I can't do a lot of things. I'm tougher than I think. And I'm down 7 pounds!! I struggled last year to lose and after three months hadn't lost anything. But after three weeks doing this I'm amazed to see that it's working. I highly recommend pulmonary rehab for any of us who have these lung issues. It's an amazing experience.
I went to Richmond this weekend to watch my grandkids play baseball (my 15 year old grandson) and softball (my 13 year old granddaughter) and had a really good time. We were in the car, and my daughter was smoking with her cigarette extended way out the window when she wasn't taking a drag. My granddaughter asked, "Grandma, when mom is smoking, does it make you want to smoke?" and I replied "no, honey -- there's nothing that makes me want to smoke anymore. I finally understood that there's no value in smoking, so there's nothing to miss." And she turned to her mom and asked, "doesn't grandma inspire you to quit?" Of course, my daughter was like all the rest of us were when we were smoking. She didn't really have anything to say and kind of weakly said "well, my mom inspires me in many ways."
We've all been there. We were in denial, we were defensive, we weren't proud of ourselves but we felt like we couldn't help it. We deeply believed that other people could quit because it was easier for them than it was for us. We told ourselves we loved to smoke. We told ourselves we WANTED to smoke (when all the time it was just that we NEEDED to smoke). I don't judge because I was there for so long. I even quit for three years and as soon as I got involved with a smoker I thought "Oh, good, I can have FUN again." For all that time I was quit I felt like I was giving up something of value. Oh, I was strong, because I didn't indulge in that valuable thing. But I wanted it. And as soon as I had a good excuse I went for it.
I wish there were a way to talk people out of smoking, but it just doesn't work that way. We all have to come to the point where we say "I can't do this anymore." And then the education and the relearning begin. There is no one way to quit. Some use patches, some use Chantix, some go cold turkey and we all end up facing the anxiety about and fear of change. We feel those cravings and think they're telling us something important. Then we learn that those cravings are part of an addiction we've had for years and years. Those cravings really, truly mean nothing other than we're learning a new way to live without the multiple burdens of our addiction.
Remember how it was? Happy? Smoke. Sad? Smoke. Hungry? Smoke. Satiated? Smoke. Anxious? Smoke. Bored? Smoke. Lonely? Smoke. Trying to concentrate? Smoke. Trying to relax? Smoke.
Remember how it was? Willing to go out in a blizzard, thunderstorm, heat wave to get cigarettes? Of course. Willing to pay for cigarettes and not pay a bill? You bet. Willing to stand out in the worst elements to get your fix? Absolutely. Willing to leave a table as soon as the meal is finished to get your fix? Yes. Motivated to check out your environs as soon as you enter to determine the quickest way to get out to smoke? Yep.
Remember how it was? Wake up with a feeling of stinking strangulation? Uh huh. Light up a cigarette and realize you already have one burning? Oh, yeah. Find it more important to smoke than to keep your children, grandchildren away from that smoke? Unfortunately, yes.
I could go on and on. Every single one of the things we remember, we don't have to do anymore. We tangled up smoking with every single thing we did for many, many years. Quitting is relearning life without that burden, realizing it was never anything of value, and breathing deeply and freely. Finally.
