My heart is broken this Valentine’s Day. Fannie (Courage) was an amazing woman who struggled so hard not to smoke. We had texted back and forth on the 6th and then she got bronchitis, I was so hoping that she would stay free. She quit near when I did over two years ago and it was her first try. Somehow, because it was her first try, she felt that if she slipped, it would be alright, she would try again. I remember how much she wanted to be smoke free, how she KNEW that it was killing her. She had such severe asthma but when she was told about a year ago that she did not have emphysema, she was so relieved and since her breathing had gotten easier, she felt like she had more time and she could keep smoking. We texted back and forth just over a week ago, I told her how much I wish I had quit smoking when I was her age that I am sure if I had heeded the warnings, my COPD would not be as severe as it is now. We talked on the phone, texted, and emailed back and forth, her struggle was so strong, I will admit that sometimes I got very frustrated but then I remembered how many times I failed at my quits and how no one could have forced me to quit before I made that decision. I am ashamed of my smoking and quitting history, I so wanted Fannie to be successful. I know that she no longer has to fight smoking, I do not know how her family will handle this loss. I will miss her in MY life and I never actually MET her. She offered to help my daughter move and get settled in Brooklyn in February of 2015, she and I talked about someday walking on the beach together…SMOKE FREE! The beach was a strong trigger for her because she associated it with smoking. She kept coming back to us, asking us to understand, to be there for her. My heart is broken, I will miss you my dear Fannie, my dear friend. Through all of my trials, you somehow came through and texted or emailed me, I knew that you were keeping an eye on me despite your smoking status. Sadly, I do not know Jewish traditions after a death, I do not know what happens next for your family. I do believe that despite what your beliefs were, we WILL someday meet and we will immediately know each other. I loved you so much my dear friend.
If nothing else comes from this loss, let someone realize how serious this is, how precarious our lives are. She would want to know that she helped some one.
