woke up with some fear about some whatif (past tense) kinda thinking about yesterday. it's okay for me to feel frustrated and afraid, i'm right where God wants me to be right now. i spun that about 30 times before i got to the next part of that equation... doing the next right thing.
i had some halt issues going on. i was hungry, and just waking up (need to have a glass of water/coffee) and text with a friend. it's certainly understandable that i would dwell a bit on something from yesterday but i think the obsessing had less to do with the event from yesterday and more to do with halt issues in the present and i felt off center and anxious and my mind latched on to this anxious/potentially shame producing episode from the recent past.
i'm certainly getting better at making the correct choices. but i certainly have a feeling that that is God doing for me what i can't do for myself. i have some frustration in my inability to articulate how connected i feel spiritually. 80% intellectual and 20% whatever that sensation is. i will say that by not numbing myself and really really having to address core issues of inadequacy i have become more in tune with how i'm feeling emotionally and physically.
i hope that i am developing some level of compassion for myself and more compassion for others. i think at the least i'm getting better (a little) at being gentle on myself. i do believe, at least, that i should continue to develop self compassion and strive to be more compassionate and tolerant of others.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that yesterday i avoided a potentially very frustrating situation simply bc i was being honest about how i was feeling physically and emotionally. this certainly is not a failproof method to have a life that is free of suffering. if that is my method of living it is doomed to fail.
i'm an addict and if i try to control my life i've denied that i'm powerless over the ineffable goal of feeling in control of my life. spiritually, i'm powerless over people places and things. it's my trying to control those things that makes my life get weird. so, it's better that i try to take suggestions and do things differently and do the next right thing.
i have to believe that God is restoring me to sanity or i will drive myself nuts. i have proven time and time again that i'm insufficient in fixing me. i need God to fix me. i need all of you to get to God. i mainly experience God through other people. i do pray a lot of the day usually but i get answers thru u all!
what i'm really, really, really trying to say is that making better decisions is a by product of being healthier and being healthier is a byproduct of working a recovery program.
just like being happy, being healthy is something that cant really be strived for. i cant do things to be happy. but i can do recovery which will open myself up to being healthier and that will set me up to have positive feeelings like happiness, joy and gratitude.
