When I woke up on April 18th, I was starting my first day as a non-smoker. Now on May 18th, I have a month behind me. I am proud of that. And very happy. And I even tell strangers that I am now a non-smoker.
It's what I don't tell strangers or anyone here is that in addition to the patch (just stepped down to 14 mg from the 21mg) I have relied on my drinking problem to get thru the evenings. I drink a 6 pack every night, and usually more on the weekends. I've been drinking like that for a year and a half. That was when a 10 yr relationship ended, and I basically had to start over on everything. This had been the type of relationship that when it ended, I was very isolated, and had no friends of my own. At work, as our research lab has imploded, I am left with one bully boss, and a coworker who seems to be following in her footsteps. I am very happy to get home every evening to my 2 rescue kitties and 1 rescue dog. But then I isolate and stay in the house by myself. Because I have been convinced that no would want to be with me or that anyone likes my personality. So, isolation, drinking, bullying boss, low self esteem, I've been so lazy that my house, though picked up and tidy, is so dirty. Front yard is mowed, back yard would be food for weeks for a herd of cattle. I try to be proud of myself on this cigarette quit...and I am, I really am. And it sounds cocky, but I do feel strongly that I won't smoke again because if I do, then what can I claim as a Win in my current life.
I am an educated, easy going, funny person, sympathetic and empathetic. somehow I have gotten to this pathetic place where I see all my failings and keep trying to find motivation to fix all these other messes. And to be motivated to do it for me, cuz there isn't anyone else to do it for.
BUT I am NOPE. And I guess in NOPE, there is HOPE.
