Hello, saying that reminds me of the song, where it goes "hello, is it me your looking for", well yes it is in a way, I am looking for me again. My husband would just say this to me when he would call me or talk to me sometimes. Sometimes it got on my nerves to be honest, lol, but would give anything to hear him say it again. It's a year past now, December we had a memorial service, according to his customs, it was a hard day, but a relief for the whole thing to be over. In the month leading up to the service, I became frantic in some ways, I don't know why, but just felt like it was the end of him or the end of the last months that I ever saw him alive, which is ridicules because he had been gone a whole year. It was strange, but I guess a part of grief. It was time to take off the black and be ok with color, although I didn't wear black at home, but did when I went out, I felt like I had to, as if someone would judge me for not doing so, which might be true for those who know, but not for a whole city who knew nothing about me, lol. Being paranoid I guess.
I feel comfortable again. I can wake up without a hole in the pit of my stomach again, but I do always feel the absence of both my husband and sister, times when I think to go tell my sister something or ask her something, and its just a second and then remember, the same for my husband, I remembered I had to say Merry Christmas to him and then it come back to me again. Its something that happens we forget for a split second, I guess its something that will wear off. I was told that the cells or neuron receptors in our brains regenerate or become new after a year, they don't remember the addiction to smoking, I wonder if that happens with grief also, over time it becomes less and less. I guess in order for us to go living we must get past it and put it out of our minds.
So we did celebrate Christmas and it was pleasant, my sons were happy too, such a difference from last year, time is what everything needs.
My 37th wedding anniversary was 1/14, I tried to not remember it, but of course that doesn't work, It was sad and I got through it. Distant memories, its like it never happened, the wedding and all the things that happened over the last 30 years. It is a different life time, I know it was mine and it did happen, but I am not that person anymore.
I remember smoking, the time when everyone did. The time we could smoke in theaters and buses, airplanes and hospitals, that is a long time ago, lol. I know it was me at that time, but its not me now.
I believe that with all the changes in my life have changed me, I don't smoke and I am not married anylonger (although I have seen some widows continue to say they are married and their partner is waiting for them on the other side, I wonder does this make it harder for someone to continue their life, or easier for them to go on], No siblings either anymore. It has changed me.
I know this is going and going, reminds me of a bunny I used to know, lol. I guess what I am trying to get at here, aside from how things can make us remember other things, lol, is that if our neurons and cells are regenerating over time, this does make us different and new. I believe that aside from all the terrible things that happened to me over the last year and a half, stopping smoking 29 months ago was a good thing, my sons are happy I did, my sister before she died was happy, and my husband was also very proud of me, he would say to me, "you did a great thing".
So for all of you who have stopped smoking, "YOU DID A GREAT THING".
