Still sad, get me OUT of this pity party, this is SO not Ellen

[elvan]

I am so tired of feeling so sad, so overwhelmed.  I ended up signing the lease but made it a month to month and made the pet deposit get removed.  Not that I am running out to get pets but it is MY choice and no one else’s.  When I said I would not sign the lease, the landlord, who is my moronic son’s future mother in law, started to cry because she was apparently pushed into doing this rapid moving around of people by my son who SAID he was just so worried about us…he felt that he HAD to have us here.  She spent a great deal of money moving the other tenant out and moving my son and his fiancée upstairs to the other, smaller apartment.  She was leaving for Florida TODAY and could not go unless she had the money from the lease.  I told her he is lying, I am sorry if she believes him but he is lying.  First of all, he did not lose two weeks of work because of the fire, secondly, he is not worried about us if he WAS, I suspect he would be asking us what he can do to help.  He is manipulating everyone and I am very familiar with his actions, he has made my life and the rest of the family’s lives a living hell for ten years now because of drug addiction and prior to that because of lying and manipulation, etc.  I HATE feeling like this but I am afraid that I will never be able to forgive him for how he has treated everyone involved.  My husband said he has spoken to him and told him what a horrible thing it was that he did and that he is “terrified” to talk to me.  Too bad he wasn’t “terrified” to write that text because now the damage is done and it cannot be UNdone.  It is Christmas, I want to celebrate this Holiday that is so important to me, I want to be happy.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to feel happy again.  I actually may have to make an appointment with a counselor because I am not handling this by myself. 

My insurance company refused to refill my Advair, saying it was too soon, it was filled a month ago and I have not used any more than is prescribed.  I called them last night and the poor customer service rep called in her supervisor and they tried to do an override but the Prior Authorization department is closed until Monday.  Amazing, so they put ME at risk, they will not fill it before the 27^th.  I lost the inhaler in the fire and they got an override to refill THAT one early but apparently it is too much to expect that they could read their own notes and refill it again.  I will file a formal complaint with Medicare and will also report them to the Insurance Commission in this state.  I am at the end of my rope here…no, I am not going to harm myself, I am not even remotely suicidal, that’s just not my style. I am just worn out.  Tomorrow, I go to the dentist to have them repair the bonding they did in my front teeth in July that has fallen out.  It cost me $143 in July and they called to tell me it will be $137 tomorrow…WOW, a $6 discount.  I can’t afford to tick them off since I am still waiting for my partial dentures…the stuff will hit the fan AFTER that is complete…judging from all of the excuses they have given me, I am guessing by Spring that I will get to try to get used to the stupid things. 

I have to wrap some presents to get them in the mail to NY tomorrow.  It’s my son in law’s birthday, my daughter’s birthday, and my granddaughter’s birthday, in addition to Christmas, so I have to send the package NOW, should have done it last week but I could not get myself moving.  This is not going to be easy.  I went to the house today and, as usual, broke into sobs in the yard.  I didn’t even try to go inside. I need to do that at some point to look for some important things that may or may not have survived.  I am going to dry my endless tears and eat something and take a shower.  THEN, I am going to sleep, that’s pretty much my favorite activity these days…sleep, sleep, and more sleep.

I want you to know that I am not a fan of this pathetic person who is occupying my mind and body these days.  I plan to “celebrate” Christmas when my daughter gets here from Korea, by
celebrate, I mean get gifts, make dinner and try not to spend the entire day alternating between crying and sleeping.

You have all been so loving and patient and I am so grateful. Please stick with me, I will come back from this, I just have no idea when.

Love and hugs,

Ellen