Okay as many of you know I began this journey back in March. I logged 118 days smoke free. But sadly I wasn't really "free". After smoking 43 years since 12 years old and this being my first real attempt at a serious quit I've had a LOT to learn! Thankfully EX is a wonderful place to study! Since "choosing" to give in and smoke a couple of months ago I've been struggling to get my quit back on straight - not to mention my head! Lol!! After continuing to start and fail and restart and bomb out again I think I'm finally on to something! It is so embarrassing to keep telling ya'll I'm starting over yet again but here it is!! Tonight at about midnight I will have the first complete 72 hours done! I decided NOT to use an NRT but just get it all out again! Thankfully this time I'm feeling much, much better and stronger than I'd dared to hope! During the last few weeks of soul searching I realized what was a very crucial obstacle to my quit. That was, even tho I wanted to and "made the decision" to quit for health and all the other reasons, I deeply RESENTED HAVING TO. Yup if smoking wasn't deadly dangerous and didn't stink I would continue to merrily smoke my brains out. But I guess we (addicts) all would huh? I think I was the "dry quitter". Not smoking but resenting every minute of it. I was trying to be content with it but was really missing the whole point of recovery, gaining freedom and healing!!! Have I "got it" now? I believe I do. But I'm also afraid of failing again!!! I do NOT trust myself. However I do trust myself to say I will overcome this addiction no matter how long or how many restarts it takes!!! :-). And I appreciate everyone here who continues to teach, sustain, support and love each other!!! ❤ One day at a time❤
