Today I celebrate eight magnificent months of freedom from nicotine. I wanted so much to be successful with this quit, wanted so much to get through NML and then a change of seasons and the stress that is a daily part of my life. I wanted to be able to be honest with myself about WHY I smoked and whenever I had a crave I went through all of the questions I could think of asking myself what a cigarette would do to change things. How would it make the stress less, would it fix the CAUSE of the stress? How would it help the pain, would it RELIEVE the pain? How would it help with depression, would it go AWAY? How would it help with anger, would I suddenly be happy and not angry, not stressed out, not in pain whether it is physical or emotional? I made myself answer honestly and I never could justify picking up a cigarette. I, unfortunately, have the daily reminder of the damage I did from smoking for so long, the shortness of breath is better but I am far from being able to do things easily that I used to be able to do. I am learning to deal with emotions that I should have learned to deal with back when I was a 17 year old kid trying to look “cool.” I kept trying to quit and actually had a couple of quits that lasted over two years, I never smoked when I was pregnant, BUT I never actually was in RECOVERY, I never quit with support and knowledge of this addiction, of how it was controlling ME instead of ME controlling IT. I spent every day thinking about where or when I would be able to catch a quick smoke. When smoking areas began to diminish and the place where I worked kept moving the smoking area farther and farther from the building, it actually helped me to make that final step. I had quit in May of 2013 and again in the Fall of 2013 and I KNEW I wanted to stop smoking, I was keeping track of my cigarettes, I was trying to put off smoking, I was down to just under half a pack of cigarettes a day and I NEVER smoked more than half a cigarette. I got really sick in January of 2014 and I knew that I was very close to not making it. My doctor wanted me in intensive care. I don’t have a lot of respect for our local hospital and as a retired RN, I felt like I could take care of myself. It may not have been a very wise decision but I fought with everything I had to survive and I watered down and destroyed the pack of cigarettes I had that was open and I gave 8 packs that were unopened and left in a carton to a friend of mine who I KNEW was not going to quit. I also gave her a pile of coupons and all of my lighters. I had failed before because I was SURE that I could keep a pack around and not smoke but just know it was THERE. My friend could not have been happier and I told her that I really felt guilty encouraging her to continue to smoke because I care about her but I also knew there was no chance she would stop. She is still smoking.
If I had not found becomeanex.org, I doubt seriously that I could have stayed quit. My COPD would have accelerated and I would likely be carrying around an oxygen tank at this point which would be no easy feat considering the fact that I need bilateral shoulder replacements and I cannot carry much weight. Even my purse has had to be downsized. I have chronic pain, I live with financial stress that is neverending, I live with a hoarder and cannot get through to him how his hoarding is affecting me and his kids. I realize it is an illness but it has such widespread ramifications. Our natural gas was turned off because of no payment (I did not know)…I have covered the water bill, a new water heater, and a large payment on the electric. I am on social security but I work a couple of days a week for $8 an hour to pay for my Medicare supplement and my coming partial dentures. I have NOTHING left before payday. I can’t possibly take on any more and I CANNOT work more hours. It takes me all five of my days off to recover. Smoking would not help; it would just have added yet another expense and more stress. We may yet lose our house to foreclosure, I cannot do more but I KNOW smoking will not help.
To all the newbies and all the people struggling with their quits, PLEASE believe that this CAN be done and that it DOES get easier. The craves come and go but they are few and far between now. If I can do this, I swear to you, ANYONE can, 2/3 of the way to the 6%Club.
