today both of my sons had classes this morning and won't be home until after 2pm, it was the first time i had been alone since my husband died, i tried to get up and do something, i have been so tired, last night i went to bed at 8:30, this morning i got up with my sons and saw them out, big hugs, then i came back in the house and sat and was like ok, i dragged my self around to dust and vacuum a bit, hit my toe and cried like a baby, it was so hard today, then i went outside for 2 hours to do some yard work, we have around 2 acres so there is a lot of cleaning to do, i did that and cried, i burned stuff, its not illegal here, its great to be able to just make a big old fire and burn everything, the cats were playing and the chickens were following me, and my fingers froze, still i came in the house and felt frustrated and cried some more, i don't want to cry too much in front of my sons, everything is sad enough, and i feel that i have to make an effort to be more upbeat about the future and i want them to want to be home and not feel like they don't want to be here because they can't stand the sadness, so i am really trying for them, although they feel it too, my son said coming home last night from classes was really hard, his dad always picked him up from the taxi over in our small town here, my younger son also felt off yesterday when he got home and didn't want to talk about it, i guess it will take awhile, their dad did everything for them and me too, they really miss him taking them to school and picking them up.
so close to christmas, the first time without him in over 35 years for me, but i guess there is no good time for a loved to die, right?
our nephew has been here a lot , he is such a help to us, but he smokes and not that i really want to but sometimes the thought crosses my mind, that and a drink, lol, but of course i won't. i know there isn't anything that will help except time.
thanks everyone for listening and stay strong
