You guys weren't kidding when you said this would be about the journey, not the destination. To be perfectly frank at first I thought that was a very cheesy way to put it. Very new age... Its not the destination, its the journey, man...it sounds like something my stoned uncle would say, but now...I believe its true. It is true to me. I am on my quit journey and I may not always like what I find out about myself, but it is me and I am learning how to accept me for who I am. I feel really lucky that I am figuring this out now, but then I get a little sad when I realize how much fuller my life could have been in the past if I had just opened up to the truth. I kept a lot of people at arm's length because I didn't understand myself. My addiction had been my number one priority for a long, long time and if people didn't understand that, I kept them out of my life.
I am understanding more and more about the nature of this addiction every single day. I am realizing that so much of me was masked in a nicotine fog. Now I am forgiving myself for the years of abuse I did to my body. It is so much easier for me to forgive others, than myself. I don't think twice about accepting someone else's apology, I just do it with an open heart. I wonder why it is so much harder to come to terms with my own mistakes? Again I am learning how to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in youth and ignorance. I did the best I could at the time and I am conciously improving myself every single day. I guess that is the best I can do.
I've had some misgivings about blogging here lately. I know this my blog and I can write whatever I want, its just that I feel like at 226 days, I should have this nicotine addiction thing down pat. I should know what I need to do to stay free, keep em away from my face, accept the craving then kick it to the curb, distract, focus and determination....thank you friends...there are so many options for keeping myself in check and I do know them, but sometimes I guess I still need to reach out. That in itself is a sign of strength, to have the courage to reach out and ask for help, because I know that isolation can definitely lead to relapse for me. This is a huge revelation because I come from northern new englanders who pride themselves on being strong and not needing any help, like EVER. Which I am coming to see as less of a strength and more of a weakness as I learn more about myself. Its really okay to ask for help if I need it and that is really the reason I am writing this blog. If you are nervous about asking for help on here, please don't be! If you feel embarrassed (like I have) to ask for help, please just take the plunge and ask anyway. Asking for help is much better than starting smoking again and having to start your quit over or (God forbid) starting up and smoking until you die. Sometimes we all just need some encouragement and we shouldn't be embarrassed to ask for what we need. After all, we are all in this together. Thanks for taking the time to read and I wish you a blessed, beautiful smoke free day.
