Quitting smoking has been the impetus of positive change in my life. I have always been somewhat proud of my cynicism and wisecrackery, my self-depricating sense of humor and my "humble" attitude. To me, humility actually amounted to not allowing myself to be proud of any accomplishment ever. I downplay and explain away every talent or good feature anyone attributes to me. What I failed to realize is that this habit of mine was actually harmful to me and was holding me back.
When I started my quit, I told myself, not that I was trying to quit smoking, but that I already had quit. That was the beginning. It worked well and even though I had a rough first couple of weeks, once I had gotten through those, I was on my way to being quite comfortable with my non-smoker status. When people congratulated me and told me they were proud of me, I flinched. I had been tempted to reward myself and pat myself on the back, but when I did my mind immediately retorted,"Ooh, good job! You finally managed to stop wasting money you don't have to hasten your death! You want a fucking cookie?" I realized I was very very mean to myself. I would never say that to a friend who was quitting. In fact, I am always very encouraging and positive when someone is making a positive change in their lives. Why couldn't I do that for myself?
This habit has been more deeply ingrained than any other habit or addiction. Negativity is literally the longest and strongest addiction I have ever faced and it is the hardest to quit. Today, I am starting to view the world in a positive light. Not rose colored glasses, not Polyanna, just assuming no ill intent from others. Just allowing myself to be proud of my accomplishments. Just seeing the good in what I do rather than immediately seeing only the flaws.
Since my quit, I have decided to let go of alcohol, let go of a relationship that I got in far too soon after another one ended.
I have decided that I want to date myself for at least a year. This isn't just being single and facing the drudgery of being alone, this is celebrating myself. Saying that with a straight face is still really hard. I roll my eyes and my mind immediately says,"Pshhhh! Celebrating myself??? What is there to celebrate?" How about that I am funny and smart. How about that I have a natural talent for cheering people up and a natural aptitude for sign language, especially the facial grammar that most hearing learners struggle with. How about that I am conventionally pretty and I have two amazing smart, sweet children who are curious and analytical like their mom. I will never know what I am capable of so long as I keep putting myself down. Let's see what this year brings me.
