Whenever I look back on past quits I can remember exactly how long they were before I relapsed and there have been some that lasted three months. Some were shorter, and some were longer, but there were a few that ended at three months. Well, here I am, and I can honestly say I no longer want to smoke at all. The smell nauseates me, literally. I'm thinking of looking for a new job because the hotel has two smoking wings, and when I have to work in those areas I feel sick. I hate the smell on my clothes and the taste in my mouth. I feel pity for smokers who have to go out for a smoke all the time and miss out on what's going on. I didn't realize just how much more comfortable I would be as a non-smoker, getting to stay at the table and laugh with the people I'm with, not having to find a place to smoke, walk away from life to go kill myself. Just the message that sends to the subconscious is disturbing enough! I've found a whole new level of self-esteem, gratitude for life, enjoyment of the moment, and dedication to health. Smoking was such a "yeah, but..." thing in my life. "I'd work out for 90 minutes a day, but.....", "I'd save up for some dental work I need, but.....", "I'd quit drinking, but.....", and each one ended with "I really should quit smoking first." Well, now I can say with the utmost confidence that I have quit smoking. I no longer need or want to smoke. I am a non-smoker. It's the biggest sense of freedom I've had since the treatment I use for Crohn's disease worked and I was well for the first time in twenty years. That was a gift from the people who do research and testing and developing new drugs. This is an achievement. I did this. Cold turkey. I chose this. I do this every day that I don't smoke. Choosing not to smoke is not a passive thing, it's not an in-action. It's absolutely an action that we are taking. We're not quitting something, we're starting something new. Smoking is passive. Smoking is lazy and obnoxious. It's weak and irresponsible. So there I was trying to tell myself I was worthy of love and respect, approving of myself through affirmations and whatnot, and at the same time knowing I was doing something completely contradictory and self-destructive. I've noticed since I quit that my boyfriend and I haven't had a real fight. Little annoyances are normal when you live together, but we haven't yelled or cried or stomped out to "go for a walk" in almost three months. I had to quit drinking to really see the end of that drama, but quitting smoking has sent a message to my friends and family that I no longer think I'm a doormat, and I now believe I am worth the effort it takes to quit smoking and drinking, and I deserve a healthy body, so it's not okay to take advantage of me or disrespect me anymore, even in subtle, passive ways that were hard to see, but I could feel it. Quitting smoking is me sticking up for myself in the biggest way I ever have. The addictive voice is a bully, and it's moved on to a new playground because I rule the block in my mind now. I'm the boss of me, and so are you. All new quitters, you can do it. We all can do it. It's in our nature to succeed, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Become an Ex is the most significant difference between this quit and others, and I believe it has played a huge role in getting me past the initial stages where I still identified myself with smoking and had to leave the old and familiar territory behind. The support of all my friends and the blogs of others has kept me in the Quit Zone and helped me stay focussed. I'm so grateful for this site, and all the people on it. I'm at three months, but honestly, today, it feels like I never smoked. I can't understand the compulsion anymore. I don't get it. It's a wonderful thing to have unlearned. Thank you everybody and all the best on your personal journeys to freedom. I'll be here for you!
