Dear Cigarettes - 

You were my first love when I was 17.  Very quickly after our first couple of dates, I became addicted to you.  I actually, as a young girl, felt sexy with you and loved having you by my side and in my company.  You gave me confidence at first and and made me feel mature.  I loved how you felt between my fingers and the rush you would give me after being apart for a short time.  It seemed like so many of my friends and family were in similar relationships and they were all fine.  What was good for my grandparents and my father and my best friends was certainly good for me also. So I became more and more attached as we spend more time together.  I had to have you the minute I woke up, every time I got in the car or on the phone, we spent time together after meals and enjoyed each others company during the relaxing quiet of the evening.  We became the best of lovers, or so I thought......

Fairly quickly into this relationship, I must say, I began to feel that you were not right for me.  I'm not sure why it has taken me 30 plus years to be honest with you about this.  I have hung on for so long but felt more and more like an outcast for being with you as time went on.  Having to sneak away to be with you when others have the freedom of just staying put.  Having to rush out on a dinner or a visit or meaningful time spent with my kids. You have taken over my mind and I can't enjoy a movie or a vacation or a trip to the zoo or the park or anything wonderful without wondering when we can be together again and how long I can last without you.  I feel like my mental health suffers from being with you because I am in a constant state of worry each time we're together.  Will I have a heart attack?  Will I develop cancer?  Will I end up on oxygen not being able to breath?  What color are my lungs?  What is that little pain I have today in my back or yesterday in my chest?  I have seen you take the life a my aunt and my best friends sister.  I have realized that my kids viewing me in hospice on my death bed is NOT something I am willing to put up with for being in a relationship with you. 

It has been very hard the past 13 days that we have been separated.  I have mourned you and felt alone and quiet and nervous and anxious.  I have cried and complained and become depressed.  But then I have also caught myself smiling at something and realizing I will be happy again.  It's like being reborn and learning happiness will still exist without you.  Life will go on and be better with out you and be a lot longer without you.  I have felt jealous of seeing others get to be with you until I realized you are just easy and will go with anyone and I bet my lungs are looking a lot healthier than theirs.  So I am here to tell you I am taking this separation to the next level and dumping you for good and forever!

This is where I say good bye!

Stephanie