Day Five, Still Alive

[ShyButterfly95]

It's day five of my FOREVER quit and I'm doing well. I can even say that through the bad craving I'm experiencing at this very moment. I am doing well. I'm still sticking to my patch routine, but the patches aren't sticking to me! They keep falling and peeling off. It's not so bad when I'm up and moving around (unless I'm outside in the heat or in my hot car) but I've been so tired lately that naps have become my life. Even when I'm not napping, I often lie in bed due to anxiety and depression kicking my butt as of recent. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on August 10th and I'm hoping for a med replacement for my Lexapro. I'm currently taking 30 mg and unfortunately, after several years, it's just not doing its magic anymore.

Today I had very few cravings, but I can't figure out if it was my routine today or if the cravings are actually lessening. I got up at 8:00 am, which is a couple hours before I normally get up, because I had a vocational evaluation at 9:00 (I basically had to do some career aptitude and physical ability tests). That took a couple hours, and when I got home, I was so legitimately tired that I passed out until 1:00 pm. And then... I just stayed in bed. Got up to use the bathroom, grab something to drink, but I didn't have much of an appetite. I was really hoping that quitting would increase my appetite but maybe I just have to wait a little longer.

When I'm in bed, I crave less. I don't know why. First thing in the morning, if I don't get up and moving and shower and stuff, I crave like hell. But during the day when I'm just lying there under the covers, looking out the window or with my eyes gently shut, everything is comfortable and peaceful and I feel safe. I used to suffer from bad agoraphobia when I was a teenager, and my bed was always my safe space. Outside of that, my room is my favorite place in the whole world and the rest of my house is okay too as long as it's not overstimulating or my dad isn't taking his stress out on everyone. 

With that said, I have come to appreciate my room far more now that I'm not vaping or smoking. When I vaped, I'd sit out in the garage for anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours since I wasn't allowed to vape inside. For those occasions where I'd have a burnt coil in my mod or I wanted a "treat" and I was smoking cigarettes, I had to go outside. I rarely spent time in my room. Now I've rearranged the furniture a bit, and started to do little things for little amounts of time. Things I used to enjoy before my motivation went out the window. Reading, playing on my Nintendo 3DS or Wii U, browsing EX, watching YouTube videos, texting my wonderfully supportive boyfriend, and drawing. I'd like to get back to coloring, watching movies and anime, writing things other than blog posts and Facebook statuses, meditating, yoga, going for daily walks, listening to music, playing piano and ukulele... there are SO many things that I have been missing out on due to this addiction and depression.

I am a little nervous because I got my last paycheck from the last job I held. It's about $77, and the check is just sitting there right now on the kitchen counter. I have to sign it over to my mom since I don't have a bank account and I'm financially irresponsible with a lot of debt so my mom handles my money and bills and stuff. She always gives me some spending money, and a little part of me is afraid I'll spend it on cigarettes. I'm afraid something bad will happen, and I'll break down and buy a pack and ruin everything. Most of me is confident this is most certainly my FOREVER quit, but I'm also a VERY impulsive person. I'm very lucky I broke my vape right before I decided to quit because I got an order of vape juice in the mail today (I had ordered it quite a while ago). Then again, I had the strength to tell my boyfriend I didn't want to vape even zero nicotine juice... and I had the strength to tell my dad he could give the vape juice to his employees at his work who vape... 

But I still doubt myself! That little voice inside of my chest (that's where I physically feel cravings the most) that says "You won't even make it a week. This is not your forever quit, who are you kidding?" Of course, I didn't think I'd make it a day. I told myself if I could make it a day, then I'd have shown myself that I CAN make it a day without puffing on something, and then I could take it a day at a time from there. I feel like at any moment I could lose control and steal money and buy cigs again. I wish I could stop doubting myself. I am already a non smoker, from the last puff of the last cigarette (as Allen Carr put it, something along these lines), I am a non smoker. I was an ex smoker after every cigarette. After every vape session. But... I still have doubt.

Will there be a point in my quit that I will not doubt myself? Will there be a point in my quit in which I can state, "I DID IT!"? Or once an addict... forever an addict... never a forever quit? Sigh. Don't worry, I know this last part of this blog is horribly negative, but I'm feeling alright. 

Finally, I'd like to list off the coping methods for cravings that have helped me so far: getting up in the morning and taking a shower/eating breakfast if I'm hungry/taking my meds/etc. (Just go!), the mantra "Not another puff, no matter what", minty gum (personal favorite is Extra Polar Ice), mints (mostly Tic Tacs, will probably try Altoids as well), drinking ice water through a large water bottle that has a straw, chewing minty gum or brushing my teeth directly followed by drinking ice water (mimics the throat hit from vaping), keeping myself busy, taking a nap, going to bed early. 

I'm sure I haven't listed them all but that's what I thought of first. Also, thank you everyone who has supported me so far. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing community of people surrounding me. I love you all. ❤️

[Brianairb2]

YAY!  I'm so happy to read your post!  I'm still new at 37 days, but I want you to know that you CAN do this!  I think there's always going to be a seed of doubt, but that's acknowledging the power of addiction.  I want myself to be happy & healthy more than I want a cigarette.  I'm accomplishing more, feel more creative, and playing the ukulele is on my non-smoking wish list too!!  I also think it's natural that you're sleeping more; your body is healing, and obviously needs a little extra restoration time.  I'm not on medications, so I don't know that my experience with appetite is comparable to yours, but I am eating more (& better) since my quit.  If you're able to incorporate exercise and generate some endorphins, your appetite will surely return and help build up an even more affirmative outlook.  

I think a lot of people here have been watchful of you, myself included, and I'm really proud of your effort.  You're inspiring my young quit too.  Stay watchful, be objective, and protect your quit.  Life is better without nicotine. 

[Christophina]

I am very happy to read your post too ShyButterfly95. You ARE doing this!!!

I am going to take 'but I am feeling alright' from your post as my mantra for today.

And from Brianairb2‌ 

I want myself to be happy & healthy more than I want a cigarette#

Thanks!

In haste 

Christine

[Diannnnn]

As I was reading your post I was wondering if part of the self doubt could be the depression. For me I doubt my ability to do anything quite often, but I have to believe that I can quit smoking. I often adopt the "fake it til you make it" philosophy because I'd never make it otherwise. I totally get your fears and I hope you can overcome them, no, not hope, I know you can overcome them! You are a young, beautiful person and there is a wonderful world out there just waiting for you to join in! Keep fighting the depression. It's so ugly and vicious and it sucks the bloody life right out of you, literally. 

Very good move giving away the vape juice!

Dian

[Strudel]

Congrats to you! I agree with the "fake it 'till you make it" way to go! Having self doubt at this point is normal. But - you will reach a point when you will know! Each day that passes and each situation you figure out how to deal with as an EX - leads to confidence! Confidence leads to less doubt as time goes by! Quitting smoking is amazing - you are doing it! Congrats again! 

[elvan]

I really am so proud of you.  WE know you can do this, we have every confidence in you. Your room is your haven right now, that's excellent.  Doing healthy things is wonderful for you, thing are going to keep going in the right direction for you.  Believe in yourself and your quit.  You have to do this one day at a time and when that's too long, you make it one HOUR at a time or one MINUTE at a time. You CAN do this.  Call out for help if you need it, in the meantime, keep going.  As OldBones-Larry‌ says, "One step and then another will get you to where you want to be."

Ellen