Back in 2014, after searching a few quit smoking websites, I decided on EX. Before I so much as filled in one single line of information, I walked away from the computer to have a serious talk with myself. I swore to myself that day that if I was not willing to completely get rid of cigarettes and learn how to live without the poison and the ritual, then I had absolutely no business joining a support group. What would be the point?! I mean, seriously, why bother?! I was already a gold-medalist in screwing up quits, and I could keep right on doing it, too…alone. So, did I want an audience to bear witness to yet another of my implosions? Or did I need a team to help me create something new and life-saving?
You see, I have had 8 bona fide relapses in my life. 8. The stupid thing is, I truly should have learned my lessons after - oh, I don’t know - the 4th or 5th screw-up?! But, I didn’t learn after the 5th, obviously. I wasn’t getting it right, so I killed a 6th, then a 7th. There were always loopholes and exceptions and exemptions, so killing an 8th was to be expected, I suppose. I was becoming quite a success…at always failing.
Or, maybe I finally did learn. Maybe I finally did get something right. Because, as I was deciding on Quit #9, I shoved my big-boy boots on and hammered some self-respect and common sense into my head. I finally, finally, finally accepted that I never knew what the #$&@ I was doing before, and that I needed to humble myself on a clean slate if I wanted any hope at all of breaking free from my suicide.
Yes, for the first time, I called it suicide. Sick and shameful suicide. I was poisoning myself, I couldn’t stop killing myself, and I had the unmitigated gall to make excuses for doing it.
That very day, when I had a heart-to-heart with myself, I knew I couldn’t stomach the senselessness any longer. The permissiveness and leniency that was enabling my self-inflicted sickness and suffering.
Let me tell you, if there’s such a thing as “puking out the stupid”, I finally did it during that talk with myself.
So, I agreed to go ahead and join EX. I went back to the computer, filled out the registration boxes, created a profile, threw myself at the mercy of The Truth I Needed To Accept, and I proceeded to QUIT.
So, let me ask you some honest questions, and you’re going to think I’m mean for even typing the words, but here goes : Were you not already fed up with smoking BEFORE you signed up at EX? Was it not the endless parade of relapses that drove you HERE to seek SOLUTIONS? And now that the answers are right here for you to practice, why are you still clinging to the original problem? Seriously, let go! If cigarettes are the answer to anything at all, then why…did…any…of…us…sign…up…here?!?!
One final thing (before I rock the boat too much more) : I’m begging you to save up your supports and your self. Save up your patience and gentleness, your self-acceptance and willingness, your compassion and forgiveness…save up all of these treasures for your RECOVERY. You’re going to need them ALL for the OTHER THINGS that LIFE has coming your way! Please, do not be so eager to squander all your emotional resources (or ours) on tearing down every little thing, not when you have SO MUCH MORE ahead of you yet to build.
