Day 3... again

Dear friends, I come back to join you today, not as a non smoker for 2.5 months as I should be, but as a non smoker for 3 days ....again. Yes, day 3 again. I relapsed a couple weeks ago and continued to smoke again for a couple of weeks. I guess I am just lucky that I got it again after a couple of weeks...instead of another year... or worse...several more years passing until I got it again.

I want to apologize if anyone read my entries as a non smoker and found it really motivational and helpful or whatever and thinks damn she started smoking again... so much for what she said. No, I still stand by the things I posted here as a nonsmoker. I never posted any of those things here as a smoker and did not even visit here as a smoker, obviously partly b/c of my own guilt and because I did not want to be a smoker not sure when my quit date would come again, posting on a quitting smoking website.

I started knowing this is it, I have to quit for good and I came back here to find an email from our very own Cliff who asked me if I was alright. I told him what had happened and asked him if he would drop me a line over the next several days as I worked on the first few days of quitting again. He obliged and here is a giant shout out to the complete awesomeness of Cliff b/c I cannot tell you guys or even him how much it meant to me to know that I had someone out there who was willing to support me and not give up hope that I could do this, even after screwing up.

I cannot tell you why I went back to smoking. Nor is any excuse worth it anyways. But let me tell you one thing.... I totally fully believe the one puff a day can lead to a pack a day thing now. More so than I did from any previous quits. It is much easier for me to laugh at craves for just one now...I can tell you that, seeing there is obviously no such thing and finally FINALLY getting that.

Let me tell you what I experienced just going back to smoking for roughly two weeks. Constant headaches, sinus pain & pressure built back up, throat started hurting, chest started hurting again, I started getting winded walking long distances or doing tasks that required extra energy, at a visit to my doctors I learned my blood pressure was going up, and my anxiety & depression seemed to come back 10 fold. I went through all that... to smoke again. WTF. I willing did this to myself. And why? What did I gain? Let me tell you...nothing. I felt like shit and all I had were moments where I was calming the nicodemon by smoking. Fun freaking times...or not.

So I've decided... you can never be too sure you've beaten this bitch. You guys will be seeing my ass here again for the next year at least as I make sure I never subject myself again to the torture of this addiction. I finally finally FINALLY see how much it is not worth it, praise God.