EPIC, SERIOUSLY, THIS IS EPIC! I remember when I first came to EX and I was really struggling, I even wrote a blog on my 13th day saying that I had expected it to be “a lot easier by now.” When I read that, it makes me laugh out loud because I really meant it, it seemed like those 13 days were absolutely filled with thoughts of smoking. I could not get them off my mind. Once I quit, I talked about it all the time, I talked to anyone who would listen. I was looking for support and I was looking for a reason to talk about this magical place called becomeanex.org that I had found when I was desperately searching for help. Ex counted my days FOR me, every time I signed in, I could see the number of days. I had a large calendar hanging in the kitchen and every night when I finished the dishes and set up for the next day, I would mark down the number of days I had accumulated. I remember telling my sister and my daughter the number of days I had and then the number of months. Both of them were still smoking at that time and I know that I annoyed them no end. My daughter would find a reason to hang up and my sister just flat out TOLD me that she did not want to hear how long it had been and she didn’t think my daughter did either. I was CRUSHED. First I cried and then I got mad and I told my sister that I was really sorry that she was not happy for me, I had always been happy for her when she quit. I told her the truth, my recovery is now as much a part of me as anything possibly can be. She asked me when I was going to stop counting the days and I said, “I don’t know, maybe when I get to a THOUSAND”…then I burst out laughing, thinking that there was no way I would ever know when I got to a thousand…thank you EX for keeping me straight on that. I could see that number getting closer and closer and I could feel my heart pounding in anticipation. Am I having a party? No, I am just going to celebrate the number of days and the number of steps I have taken. I have lost a lot since I quit, none of it has anything to do with quitting smoking, some of the losses have been terribly painful and I will never get over them, hear me Fannie? Hear me, my beloved cats Mina, Poe, and Zep? I have gained so much because I quit I have new friends, I have support, and I have advisors when I need to ask a question, I have a network of people who know what this journey is like. If you are just beginning your journey with us, PLEASE BELIEVE that it will get easier. You still have to do your part, you have to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, sometimes one baby step at a time. It will seem as though you should be much better when you look at the days you have, it will seem that time stands still somewhere along the way and the days are not adding up as fast as they were. Addiction is serious, it is life altering, it is life ending. No matter how bad you are craving a cigarette, it will pass and no crave has ever killed anyone. No one can say that about cigarettes. They are as evil as any other addictive substance and you deserve freedom, you deserve to know who you are and to really get to know yourself. I mean that, you will be astounded at the person you kept hidden in that smoke screen. You will feel stronger and stronger and I don’t mean just physically. I am so happy and so grateful to have each one of you in my life, you have helped me to grow, little by little, day by day. I could not be happier to get to this place in my quit. I remember becoming a 6%er, an “elder”…I just KNEW I wasn’t qualified. Now, at 1,000 days, I am in awe of how many things that have happened and how wonderful it feels to be an EX.
The injections into my spinal area do not seem to have done anything but I am keeping a journal at the doctor’s request and I will send it in Monday. They just injected long acting lidocaine today, they want to inject more of that and run some electrical currents into the area to basically kill the nerves where the pain is. I am really not sure I want to go that route. This was bad enough. They give no sedation and everyone in the room marvels at the curve in my spine and how hard it is to even determine where my vertebrae are…I am LISTENING, folks. I also am not comfortable laying on my stomach for 40 minutes with one arm hanging down off the stretcher and the other in a position so it won’t knock off the oxygen sensor. It makes it VERY hard to breathe. I have some thinking’ to do.
I am off to work to celebrate my 1,000 days of freedom, I will have a hard time not smiling all day…I really hope someone asks me why I am smiling, LOL!
To all of you on this journey with me, ahead of me or behind me or at my side, I send you my love, my thanks, and my blessings!
Ellen
