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Share your quitting journey

Unexpected phone calls & overdue confrontations...

Storm.3.1.14
Member
2 10 4
  Tonight, I sorta snapped. I finally was forced to have a brutally honest conversation with a good friend of 15 years, whose recent “attitude shifts” have slopped too much over into my life. This unease had been brewing for some time, so a year’s worth of pent-up frustration was unleashed over the phone tonight. It was as shocking for me to say the words as it was for him to hear them.
   
  Bottom line is this  : You cannot control or correct someone else  ; you can only control your own time and personal space, and adjust whom you let in.
   
  It’s often pretty breezy to tell an acquaintance that you need to walk away, but it hurts to confront a   good friend. So, I was heart-sick. My blood pressure was throbbing against my temples, my neck was rosy and sweaty, and my queasy stomach was swimming. And, that’s when the ol’ knee-jerk reflex kicked in. I had the urgent desire to walk out onto the deck to…what? I knew that “the demon” probably wanted me to smoke, but it’s become too weak and frail to actually say the words these days. It only hints now. But, I didn’t actually think, “I want a cigarette.” Instead, it was more like, “I’m so distressed right now - I want to be soothed! I want this to go away!” The old me would have smoked my brains out, sure. But, that’s not an option now. So, I paced around the den. Did some deep breathing. Took two aspirin. Stretched out on the couch. Watched TV. Now, I’m writing it all out here. 
   
  I wanted to be soothed, so I soothed myself, in healthy ways. I used those tips from the trusty ol’ toolbox. I mean, that’s what they’re there for, right? To   use them. To   save a quit. To   safeguard a recovery. Right? To keep a head screwed on straight at a time when the room is spinning around. 
   
  Even though I’d chop off my hands before I’d drive to the corner store for smokes, I allowed myself to imagine that I   had cracked and gone out and smoked over this. Let me tell you, a gut-wrenching sorrow washed over me. I could have puked from the sadness of piling heartache on top of frustration on top of failure on top of a broken clock and broken promises.
   
  I can’t live with that. I can’t.
   
  If you ever needed to stop yourself in your tracks -   cold! - then just “play the tape through to the end” and stare the ultimate truth in the eyes. I wasn’t going to smoke over this phone call, but after role-playing the anguish I’d have endured   had I smoked…? No way. I can’t go there. It’d be miserable…and I didn’t need to actually smoke to know it.
   
  Anyway, I’m just blogging my feelings. It’s healthy to sit down and think and compose and breathe and work through the sequence of events. To get it out. To say it.
   
  Sure beats the alternative.
   
   Anything beats the dark alternative.
   
   
   STORM: 949
   
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