I had no idea it's been over a month since I've blogged. Busy as can be, working long hours, going to rehab three nights a week after getting out of the house at 6 a.m. I've not even spent as much time on Facebook as I used to do (which, of course, isn't all bad). I mentioned in responding to someone's blog a little while ago that even at a year and a half I will have those moments when smoking is suddenly in my head. I contain a crafty little addict in there, and she has mostly grasped she's a part of my past but not my future. Nonetheless she is occasionally energized by a false hope -- this is when I can bring my smoker back --. Uh, no. But I'm never surprised when she rematerializes because Lord knows she was running this show for over half a century, and she's never been one to sit back quietly. I recognize her as a part of me that will always be there, but will never be in control again.
I see smokers now, for example, on my commute, and they're smoking in their cars with their arm stuck out the window like it won't be evident they're smoking to someone getting in the car later. Such denial. First of all when they inhale and exhale they're doing it in the car, and its sticking to their clothes, their hair, their skin, the fabric inside the car and depositing an ugly yellow-ish crud on the inside of the windows. But when we're allowing our addicts to lead we don't believe any of that. We come out of that car thinking we smell fine, that when our co-worker gets into the car to go to lunch she can't tell you've been smoking in there. We kid ourselves about so many things, and it's almost shocking to look back on it. But I haven't wanted to kill my litle clever addict because she is me, she's a part of me who I can't surgically remove, and probably wouldn't want to if I could. I weathered some storms -- many storms -- believing cigarettes were helping me as a viable crutch. I did make it through, but now I know it was almost in spite of the cigarettes I made it through because there was no help there. But her occasional reappearances remind me of what I know now; cigarettes aren't my friends; my emotions will function quite well without smoking, I can reward myself in much better ways and do so much less harm to myself without them. Having her reappear every now and then reminds me how far I've come in leading an authentic life without the smokescreen "protecting" me.
We often talk here about the benefits of quitting like not spending the money, breathing better, not being ostracized, etc. But I've found that the profound change for me has been consciously striving for that authentic life - expressing emotions (appropriately, of course) when I have them; letting feeling sad be feeling sad. Now that I've thrown that crutch away I know I can walk solidly on my own too feet. I only wish I had discovered that sooner.
So my lovely EX Community, I've been gone but have not forgotten you. And newbies, you can SO do this. I was the most gung-ho smoker for over 50 years. I quit once for three years and white knuckled it until I got involved with a smoker and actually though 'cool, I can have FUN again." All the deprivation we feel when we first quit is simpy our addictions saying hey, pay attention here, i have VALUE. Then you learn there's no value in smoking at all, and then it's much easier to ignore that complaint and to not feel deprived. I would love to talk to anyone who thinks they simply cannot do this. I didn't think I ever could and I'm coming up to the first year and a half of my forever quit.! And Darn Happy About It, Too!!
Sweet dreams, my friends. Love you all.
