Warning: read this all the way through before you start throwing stones my direction.
Today, I thought really hard as to why I am quitting. Why am I putting myself through this? All my friends smoke. Most of my collegues smoke. I feel like I'm more productive when I smoke. I feel as if I can think more clearly. I had more energy when I smoked. I didn't have to worry too much about my weight. The stress, ah the stress reliever of a tiny inconsiderate tobacco stick. So why am I doing this? Its not for me. Frankly and honestly I don't care about myself. Never have, maybe never will. That may be the reason I started smoking in the first place. That may be the reason why I chase posionous snakes, drive too fast, and generally take chances I shouldn't. So what is it? Simple, its my girls. They are the reason I want to be around as long as possible. I want to watch them grow, to learn, and reach heights I could never dream of. I want to watch them graduate high school, college, God forbid they follow me and go to the law school, but whatever they choose. I want to walk them down the isle without carrying an oxygen tank. I want to hold my grandchildren. (and I have already told them, one of them has to give me a grandson so help me!!!) So to quote Robin Williams in Peter Pan, "It was you." Well not really you, but them. Ah you get the point.
It seems like my whole life has been nothing but a way to teach from experience. Hopefully smoking will be another one of those life lessons I can tell my daughthers about the evils and steer them away from ever lighting up. I want to enstill in them humility. In Batman Rises, Bruse Wayne flashes back to his father asking him, "Why do we fall down, Bruce?" To which he answers, "To get back up." This is my "get back up moment." I have made my mistakes but I am not going to lie down and go quietly. I am going to get back up and fight. I am going to fight for my health. I am going to fight for my right to live without a cigarette. Yes, I may have stumbled. I may have fell. But I am picking myself back up.
I also want to teach them determination. As Sylvester Stallone said in Balboa, " the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. Its a mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. Its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done." Rocky didn't win the title in his first fight with Apollo. I didn't win my fight with cigarettes on the first try. Rocky won the title on his second bout because of sheer determination. It wasn't exactly my second try; more like ah who am I kidding I have lost count how many times I have tried to quit. But about three years ago, I did win. I won for a very long time. Then, just like Rocky, I got cocky and didn't maintain my focus. I went back to smoking and smoked for about three more years. Until the begining of this month. Now its time to finish Rocky III with my fight against cigarettes and tell Clubber Lang, oh sorry I mean nicodemon, that "You ain't so bad, you ain't so bad.....At least I ain't the one breathing hard." Wow, sorry about that, I really ran away with the Rocky analogies. there.
The point in all this is I have finally found a reason to quit. Its the same reason I go to work early each day and come home late at night. Its the same reason I make time in my schedule to go to the park about once a month. Its the same reason I sneak off and get McDonald's breakfasts sometimes when mommy is working on Saturdays. ITS MY GIRLS!!
I don't want to discount anything I said in my previous posts about God. So don't take that from this. I gave this quit to God and I am truly blessed He has helped make it a lot easier than my previous times. However, I have to think that I have finally found the reason I want keep from smoking and that is making this time (my last time) a whole lot easier.
