Many of you don't know me but I depended heavily on the people here to help me quit smoking over three years ago. I don't post much anymore but I do still fly by on occasion to say "hello" on a few message boards or to just see how everyone is doing. For the most part, over the past two years, I have felt pretty certain that "I got this"! It's rare that I even give cigarettes a second thought but recently I was in Paris and I found myself rethinking my entire quit!
You see, there is no shame attached to smoking in Paris. In fact, it felt like everyone was doing it. There are several sidewalk cafe's on every block and smokers filled those seats morning, noon and night. I could almost forget that smoking kills and that I am incredibly grateful to be one of the lucky people that smoked almost an entire lifetime and have no known consequences....at least not yet!! I was amazed how strongly the "cig-gorilla" started rattling the cage again! Thoughts like, "just while you're here", "just one after dinner","wouldn't it be nice to have one with your espresso in the morning" and "no one's gonna' mind"!!! I let those insane ideas dance around in my head for about 72 hours and then it occurred to me that I was actually thinking about having a cigarette! No, even worse, I was actually talking myself into having a cigarette and giving up the freedom I worked so hard to achieve!
I would have been here in a heartbeat but I didn't have internet access so I did the next best thing. I went to bed that third night thinking about the strength of this addiction and reminded myself that I was much stronger. In stead of counting sheep, I counted every wise word I learned from the Ex community. I opened the file cabinet in my mind and reeducated myself! I thought of every article read and every response to every post I ever made! I took myself back to those miserable, whiny, horrible first weeks (OK, I admit it was really months) and reminded myself of just how difficult it was for me to quit! I didn't want to let myself down but I also didn't want to disappoint all the wonderful people that held my hand and kept me on the trail to freedom three years ago. Even though I didn't have internet....all of you were right there with me and I was happy to have you! Before I turned the light out, I knew that I was done entertaining the addiction with my attention. I decided that my decision to take a break from my exercise routine and meditation practice while vacationing probably wasn't smart!! I also decided that having wine with every meal wasn't in the best interest of my quit! (Interesting to note that there was a little eye brow raising/shaming around that decision!) I knew that I would get up early the next morning and meditate, then walk to the local cafe, order my espresso and smile at my win! It worked....
What is the moral of this story.....If you haven't put the last one out yet, don't give up! Change your internal dialogue and you can get it done!! If you have a good quit going, protect and cherish it! Don't let the voice of addiction become louder than the voice of reason, spirit and self care.
Giulia, thanks for suggesting I share my experience and thank you to all the Ex peeps that climbed into bed with me that night! All I can say is, I hope you know how much love I have in my heart for all of you and I'm glad I had a king size bed!!!!
