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Share your quitting journey

TRYING...

elvan
Member
1 34 6

Dear Ones,

I am so sorry that my lack of energy has really kept me down and out, not to mention my pain level which is much worse than I thought it would be at this point.  I would love to individually thank each and every one of you for the amazing, encouraging and loving notes, they touch my heart.  I so wanted to be able to return to work yesterday and get back to feeling like a contributing member of the world, however, I am having some complications and I have to see the surgeon again and I have been told that I cannot return to work until after December 15th which is after Winter Break begins.  I spoke to the surgeon’s nurse today and she said that she did not think I should have been told that I could return this early.  I thought she was concerned that I was going to ask for more pain medication since I am well aware of how often that happens with post-operative patients.  I assured her that I do not want medication, I want a reasonable timeline for when I can expect to feel better.  She said 4-6 weeks from the date of the surgery.  I explained that I am alternating heat and ice and I feel as though I have a band of metal under my breasts.  She explained that since there are a number of staples there, I basically DO have a metal band there and the pain is to be expected.  Yesterday, it rained a LOT and I HAD to go to the store, my breathing was not what it should be and I thought I might pass out in the store.  My oxygen sat dropped into the 80’s for the first time since the surgery other than when I was in the hospital and it kept dropping and setting off the alarms repeatedly, but that also had to do with my low blood pressure and their apparent eagerness to medicate me which led to the drop in blood pressure and their constant reassurance that they were monitoring me closely and I would be alright.  They basically wanted me unconscious.  Well, they got their wish most of the time.

I am exhausted and in miserable pain, I have two incisions from the scope under each breast and a healing hole on both sides of my body where the chest tubes were.  One side is particularly painful and my armpit is red and swollen on that side but I do not have a fever. If I have an infection, it is a low grade infection and probably not something they would want to treat with an antibiotic at this point.  I am just fighting with the little energy I have to keep from completely losing it.  I try to read blogs but will admit that between the medication and the pain, I just cannot seem to complete anything. 

When I was in the store, an “elderly” gentleman was at the end of the aisle where I was trying to select birthday cards for the three Christmas birthdays in my family.  I put elderly in quotation marks because he was probably MY age and I am not fond of being referred to as elderly.  In any event, he kept coughing that smoker’s cough that was SO wet and productive that he had to keep spitting into a handkerchief.  I turned to look at him at one point because I really thought he was going to go down and I had no idea what I would do since we were the only two people in the aisle.  His coughing went on and on and I could smell the stale cigarette smoke and felt so terribly saddened for him, there is no doubt in my mind, based upon his labored breathing and his sallow color that his time is very limited.  I had to leave the aisle because I was afraid I would burst out crying…I am not exactly in a good place at the moment.  Addiction is so horrific, no matter what the addiction is.  I am SO glad that I gave up smoking, my only regret is that I ever started.

Forgive me for not personally contacting you, I cannot sit for more than a few minutes and I can tell you right now that my few minutes for now have passed.  I love each and every one of you and I am incredibly grateful for your love and your support.  I can seriously FEEL you with me and I did as I was wheeled into the operating room.  Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart,  Please forgive any typos, I figure I should just publish this and hope for the best.

Ellen

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About the Author
Retired RN, worked ICU/ER developed RA in early 90's, unable to work because of brittle bones from high dose steroids. Diagnosed with COPD 5 yrs ago but sure it was there and progressing long before. Live with severe chronic pain, degenerative disc disease, had both upper lobes of my lungs removed in 2015. Struggle with shortness of breath. Work in son's cafe as a cashier 2 days a week to be around people. I am a people/animal person. Lost my home and three cats in a fire on my ten month anniversary of quitting smoking. Never thought of smoking, knew it wouldn't help anything.