Why?

[JACKIE1-25-15]

Why couldn’t I stop myself?

Why I am I getting in my car and driving to the store?

Sitting outside the store wondering why I couldn't stop from going inside. 

Anxious

Maybe,  I wasn’t trying hard enough.

What was propelling me so on auto pilot? I couldn't tell myself no.

 Before I ask for my brand  I scan the store to see if I know anyone.

The shame

There is a sigh of relief

Somebody else is buying some too.

But still the agony

Why did I quickly hide them as I walked out of the store?

Why did I just had to have them?

I thought to myself how did I get here?

When did this all start?

Why can’t I let this go?

The escape

I continue to ask myself why even while lighting up.

Why did I have to wait until I was out of sight before taking that first drag?

The shame

Hiding but feeling a certain relief of the crave/craze.... as I had my fix. 

Had to have it,  but why?  

The agony

Who does this anymore?

It just doesn’t make a lot of sense.  Inhaling smoke and blowing it out.

The stench of it all made me sick. Always fanning it away, blowing it in another direction not to be close to the smoke.

I can’t stand it. 

Cover up. 

Let’s spray.

Hidden in a closet along with my feelings and emotions.

Most of my friends didn’t know that I smoked.

When will I let it go and no longer have to hide?

I have the answer now. NICOTINE ADDICTION

Until I educated myself I was stuck.

Now I am free!

310 days of it.

NEF Never ever forget or you will be back in this trap. Get it?