It was a cold winter morning in year 2001. My son was 4 year old. I had a late night, previous day, due to some critical technical matters of office.
I got up at around 6 am due to my daily habit and routine. My son was already awake and he smiled at me and looked at me expectantly.
He knows that I go out every day morning and will return after some time. He requests me every day to take him with me, but I refuse, promising him that I will take him in the evening.
As I was descending the staircase steps, my son’s smiling face and shining eyes filled with expectation appeared in my mind.
God! I prayed silently. I wanted to take him for walk every day. But my walk was actually to smoke and fill my cravings for nicotine.
I sincerely did not want to give the impression to the young mind of my son that he also should smoke when he is an adult.
A gust of cold wind touched my face as I prayed again to God to help me stop smoking, so that I can enjoy the smaller joys in life and feel at ease and never feel guilty.
I felt that cold wind on my face as a signal from God that he has acknowledged my prayer.
Season changed. Spring came. My son was happy to go out and play all the time. But my morning walk didn’t include him. Summer came. My son made new friends. We had a new neighbor with three kids. Two boys and a girl, age 6, 4, 1.
I heard my son talking to the elder one about my mysterious morning walk. An instant fear gripped my mind. My son is sensing that I am doing something wrong during my morning walk. What exactly I wanted to avoid.
I prayed to God again. But I did not get any signal this time. Guilt started building up in me.
Many season changed. My son started his schooling. God blessed with a daughter. I continued with morning walk with guilt. Now not only morning walks. I got out of house whenever I felt like smoking, but never smoked at home.
Made many failed promises to myself that I will stop smoking tomorrow, day after, 1st of January every year.
Year passed. We celebrated my son’s 16th birthday. I tried to forget his childhood desire to walk with me in the morning. I learned to cheat my own self and I suppressed the voice of my soul, which always warns me of dangers and shows correct path to lead life.
My cigarette intake increased from 20 to 40 a day. Sometime even more.
I started hating me. No love for myself and no self-respect. I started hating others too.
December 09, 2013. I was walking home after work. My family was away from me. It was very cold that day. I was making metal notes of things to buy from grocery on my way, as I was planning to take a day off from work. My energy levels were very low since past few years.
I now need 60 cigarettes a day. Faint memories of my active good old youth and my failed attempts to stop smoking flashed through my mind. I ignored them as they made me feel guilty.
Again I started taking notes of thing to buy. Bread, egg, milk, vegetable, cigarettes,
A soft cold wind brushed my face very gently and I remembered that soft, gentle touch of wind when I was a young lad. Running through the paddy fields on my grandparents, I used talk to the wind. I had a strong belief that that particular wind is God talking to me and making me feel his presence.
I took that special kind of wind as a signal to me from God. I started asking him for guidance whenever I was in doubt and God guided me in the form of wind.
Now I felt that same wind touching me. That gave me courage. I thought about NOT to buy cigarette for that day. Again I felt the caressing of God on my face!
I reached home without cigarettes. A million demons were dancing in my mind abusing me for not buying cigarettes. I was on the verge of running out and buy a pack of Cigarettes. But sat there on the sofa, doing nothing. Staring at the wall. I heard a familiar voice within me. Congratulating me on my decision. It was my own internal talk. The voice of my soul, which I had suppressed many years ago under the continued influence of nicotine.
I opened my computer and started searching for self-help groups that will assist me to stay un-hooked. Luckily I noticed “BecomeAnEx.org” and made an account there. I started reading the blogs of people who have made it. Who were worse than me, but finally made it and become free.
I continue reading for hours till I slept sitting in the same position at some time. I dreamt of my Son when he started babbling sounds. I was carrying him through the creek side where I used walk every morning. I had no smell of cigarettes.
Now I saw me walking with my son on his first day to school. I was fresh and fully engrossed in the discussion with son. I was not at all thinking when and where I will smoke my next cigarette.
I woke up in between. Wanted to smoke a cigarette. Then noticed that the computer on. The screen had the blog I was reading when I dripped off to sleep. I continued reading. Downloaded “Easy Way to Stop” by “Alan Carr” and started reading.
I started my journey that night. I am happy now and I have started loving myself and others. I spoke to my Son and apologized to him about ignoring his requests when he was a child. My son is now away from us, perusing his higher education. I do go out with my wife and daughter ad often as possible.
Today I am 702 days old on this journey.
I take this opportunity to thank all friends, Mentors and casual message senders on BecomeAnEx.org.
My sincere best wishes to all on BecomeAnEx.org to stay free and success for those who are still trying.
By the grace of God, I am in constant communion with God these days.
Murali
