Hello friends,
Let me begin by thanking you all for being a part of this site and sharing your strengths, weakness, successes, slip-ups and advice. It has made me feel a lot less lonely during this process. It is difficult for non-smokers to understand the thoughts, pains and minute-by-minute struggles an ex-smoker goes through, especially in the beginning. I am very much leaning on this site and all of you right now.
I was supposed to leave for a week-long family vacation to Cape Cod today. Before we left we took my six-year old golden retriever, Lucy, to the vet for what we thought was a bladder infection. As it turns out, her lungs are riddled with cancer and the prognosis is not good. Understandably, we cancelled our trip to stay home and be with her and figure out the next steps.
Initially, I blamed myself. I have never smoked inside the house, but I have smoked when she an I have been outside in the yard together and I've cuddled with her with third-hand smoke on my clothes and skin. I am heartbroken. I have spent the entire day in shock, sporadically interrupted by waves of devastation. A week into my quit and my precious pup, my copper angel, has lung cancer. I hate cigarettes. I hate cancer. I hate how unfair life can be.
There were a couple moments today that I was surprised I was not smoking. My cousin is visiting me from out of state and she smokes a pack a day just like I used to. Right now there is a carton of my favorite cigarettes, Camel Turkish Silver, sitting in her car. Her open pack and lighter were on my patio all day; a place I smoked more cigarettes than I care to count.
She is not doing this to intentionally hurt me or tempt me, although misery does love company. She herself is caught in the sticky web of addiction. I know all too well about the stronghold that nicotine and the addictive poisons in those little sticks have on a person. I can only ask her not to smoke near me, but I cannot make her quit. It never worked when others asked that of me when I was a smoker. It only made me feel frustrated, indignant and alientated. She needs to make the decision to quit on her own, just like I did.
I did not smoke today. I kept asking myself, "What will that fix?" Nothing. It has never and will never fix anything. It is just an insidious trap that ruins people's lives. I have little control over most things that happen to me in my life, but I can control whether or not I smoke. I just want to break free once and for all and I never want to be a prisoner again. God grand me the serenity…
Well wishes,
Amy
