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Share your quitting journey

Crying but not smoking

djmurray
Member
0 17 35

Well, the work thing is going south quickly.  I have bent over backwards to do these documents correctly, but the last two I submitted  my boss has found to be unacceptable. She told me today that  she talked to HR yesterday and they're putting me on a performance improvement plan -- which if I don't meet I will be terminated.  I told her I thought it was futile because I have been doing the very best I can, using all kinds of references and tools that I've devised since she first talked to me on May 29.  I just don't know what I can do differently.  Of course, I started crying as soon as she told me about the PIP and pretty much sobbed in her office, and we agreed I should work at home for the rest of the day because I couldn't stop crying, and then I cried the whole way home.  Then I logged on at home, and every time I opened the document I started to cry again.  And I am not a crier (well, I didn't used to be).

I can't see myself staying with the company.  I simply don't know what else to do to make my work acceptable.  So I've already sent out my resume to one company, and I will keep doing that.  My boss said they would let me resign before they fired me, (oh lord, I hate typing that word "fired") so I have to figure something out quickly.  I really don't want to sell my place, but if I lose my job and don't have another one right away i will have to sell.  

If I were a drinker I would get drunk tonight, but usually I have two drinks and throw up, so that's no fun.  I also can't lie, the thought of smoking crossed my mind, but I realized right away that I'm feeling very down on myself, and part and parcel of that self-destructive mindset is "who cares?"  Well, I care, and I will not smoke.  My sister is coming down from Pittsburgh to spend the weekend with me (did I mention that I cried the whole time I talked to her?).  She smokes, but I will NOT bum a cigarette from her.

I am SO glad it's a three-day weekend.  I will have time to pull myself together and go back to work on Tuesday with my head held high, and hopefully I will send out enough resumes to get another job sooner rather than later.  If I don't get another job right away then I will have to come up with another plan because I don't think my boss is going to go for more than another month or so until she lowers the axe.   Some days really suck, and this was definitely one of them.

Thanks for letting me vent.

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