Still on track ... but not enjoying the ride, I must say. I really have to work on my mindset or this is going to be one miserable trip.
I don't have what I would describe as urges or cravings as much now, but still a deep longing. Where at first my body compelled me to take deep, gasping breaths that were never fulfilling, I now find myself inhaling deep, yawning breaths; expanding my lungs fully. I often hold my breath when my lungs are completely full, just because that stretched sensation feels good. When I can hold it no longer I let it out slowly like a steam engine, which gets my heart pounding, similar to the increased heart rate to which my body is probably used from smoking.
I'm beginning to sense my real triggers, as oppossed to the many cigarettes I would smoke simply because I was bored or lonely. My Ex is a big one. She harbors an irrational bitterness towards me that only makes sense as a psychological need on her part to redefine me in order to cope with the new reality of her ugly decisions. She uses the children to hurt me, depriving me of them to her utmost ability. It makes no difference to her that she also hurts them in the process. I would love to offer her a cigarette. She could use some nicotine gigglies to help her cool her jets. Turning the children back over to her Wednesday evening was definately a trigger moment for me. The sadness waving goodbye to my kids, my wife's passive hostility, the immediate loneliness once they were out of sight ... it all made me miss the smokey reverie to which I previously used to retreat to decompress and try to make sense of it all.
It doesn't make sense. It wouldn't have even had I smoked. I understand that. But my demon is telling me that if I live in a world that doesn't make sense, if I'm so powerless to hinder evil, why draw out my life as long as I can? Why not draw it in from the end of a cigarette and at least make myself comfortable for as long as I have to endure life's insanities.
I made it through, though. I'm trying to recall what I did do instead. I think I sat down with my computer and rambled around this site. It helped to know others are struggling as much as I. It gave me incentive to stay the course, if not for myself at the moment, then for someone else that may be similarly struggling who can use my resolve now to bolster theirs down the road. So be strong, my friends, and onward march!
