This is probably a rather repetitious blog since I think I have said most or all of this before but I needed to say again, bear with me, please. Once upon a time a young girl of 17 started smoking because it was what the really “cool” kids did, translation, the ones her parents would not approve of her talking to, dating, or hanging out with. This was seriously the only “rebellious” thing she did and she only smoked 2-3 cigarettes a WEEK. She stole them from the open packs at the home of the people she babysat for…for the amazing sum of $.50 an hour for two kids. She cared for the kids and made them laugh and she cleaned the entire house and did the laundry before the people came home from their regular Saturday night date. During her entire senior year in high school, she only smoked once in a while, never understood the people talking about how hard it was to get through a day at school without smoking. Back then, cigarettes were sold in machines, you put in your $.50 and pulled the knob under the brand that you wanted and you hoped that the people who had the machine in their establishment did not look up because of the sign that said you must be 18 years old to buy cigarettes. Flash forward to today, that young girl is a 65 year old woman who has quit smoking countless times. Always during pregnancies (partly because cigarette smoke made her sick to her stomach) and several times for longer than nine months. ALWAYS, the downfall was related to the white knuckle approach. In addition to dealing with whatever stress existed, and there was always stress, the constant internal fighting with the addiction was her downfall. The last failed quit, she lit a cigarette and burst into tears when she told her family, they all tried to comfort her but to no avail because she was certain that she would never quit again because there was no way she could go through another failed quit, another first few days. Well, it has now been 562 days since the last cigarette and while there are occasional twinges of a desire to light up, ALWAYS in the forefront are the memories of how embarrassed she was to have people see her smoke. She could still, after all this time hardly breathe with the least exertion…any slight hill, any stairs, sweeping the stupid floor. She could work out every day and did, used a stationary bike and lifted weights, worked out in a pool (weather permitting) but the fatigue always took away any sense of accomplishment. How that woman wishes that she had never started smoking, never taken for granted that she was different from other people who suffered from emphysema, died of lung cancer, never given that sad example to her children, two of the three smoke. Do I regret other things I did in my life? I would probably have to answer yes because I did make some dumb mistakes along the way but none that are even worth mentioning, the biggest regret I have is that I smoked that first cigarette and then all of the ones that followed. I used every excuse you can think of for why I couldn’t quit, the most recent was my chronic pain. It was an excuse, just like anger, depression, fear, inability to concentrate, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I can’t turn the clock back and I can’t stop another 17 year old from smoking but I can offer anyone who asks all of the support in the world to quit before you get to the place where I am, living with this stupid COPD that rules my life. How I would love to have the energy of a healthy 65 year old or even a healthy 75 year old. The shortness of breath is horrible but the fatigue is right up there on the same level. DON’T SMOKE, do whatever you have to do NOT to smoke. Stand on your head, stand in the shower, go to an airport, go to a mall, stay away from places where you can smoke and that really shouldn’t be hard since there are more of them than places you can’t smoke and STOP giving yourself a “pass”, stop saying that you just need that one, we all know there is no such thing. Love yourself, respect your body, it will only take so much abuse before it will retaliate. Mine is retaliating with a vengence.
