Wasted smokes, wasted years - Day 88

[Giulia]

Going through old posts that I had copied - I came across this one.  Too bad this person is no longer active on the site.  But go to his page, click on Blog (under his avatar).  You can read his whole journey.  Schwack 

Newbies - this is a good tool when you're having a craving.  Click on someone's page and start reading their blogs from first to last.  (When you click on Blog under their avatar you will be taken to a page with some of their blogs listed.  The last blog they wrote will be listed first.  Above that will be a bunch of numbers in boxes.  Click on the last numbered box, scroll to the bottom  and start reading from there for their first post.)  Click on the following link to get to those with over a one year quit who are still active on the site.   Elder's List   It's listed on my page (also Smorgy's)  if you ever want to find it.

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(July 17, 2010 by Schwack)

Knew I had something on my mind today.  Couldn't quite figure it out.  Spent some time today thinking about how much I spent on smokes over the course of 26 years, ended up being well over $100 thousand dollars.  And how much of that did I actually get to smoke?  That one time (the one that happened a few dozen times more than once) when I'd wake up, groggy, out of it.. put a cig in my mouth, stand over the toilet, lighter slips out of my hand and plop!  right in to the toilet.  Awesome.  Expletive.  Used a lot of those when that happened.  

What did I do with my smokes?  Where are my cigarettes?  I'd do 50 laps around the house, scour every surface, scan every cushion, pillowtop, desk, dresser, kitchen floor.. rummage through the back seat of the car.  WHERE THE **** ARE MY FREAKING CIGARETTES?!?!   WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY'RE GONE?!?   Car.   Store.  Now.  No gas.  No money.  Oh good.  Of course not.  SWEET.  back into the house, 50 more laps.. nickel here, quarter there.. OOO!!  A dollar bill!!  1.75, 2.25.. come on man COME ON .. more laps.. more overturned drawers  3.80.. DO I HEAR 5 DOLLARS?  GOT IT!!  Walk to store with all this change after all that effort to get that one pack of smokes.

Driving in the car... music is loud, I'm rockin.. I'm smooth, summertime.. smoke hangin out my mouth.. look at me, Joe Camel man... lit cigarette drops from my mouth and into my LAP!?!?!?  ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?  WHAT THE (SWERRRRVE, SCREEECH!!  HOONNNNKK!!)  OMFG WHERE IS IT!!  MY SHORTS?  Its hot around the CROTCH?!?!?  OH MY GOD NOT THERE, NOT AROUND THIS CORNER AT 25 miles an hour!!!!! (SWERVE, LAP THRUST, HONNNK) 20 people flip me the bird.  GOT IT!  now its on the floor!! still lit!  OK REALLY DUDE?  REALLY?  Pull over.. Man that sucked.  Now I just wasted a cigarettte and the inside of my thigh is scorched.  Time to light up another one.

Laundry.  Wash day.  Gotta be at work in 30 minutes.. Clothes are in the dryer.  (Where are my cigs?)  sigh.. time for 20 laps again.  BUZZ!!  Dryers done!  gotta get dressed!!  Open the dryer door.  Tobacco.  LOTS of it.  Oh good, I found my smokes.  My clothes are wearing them, all thirty thousand pieces of them.  Quite the ensemble for the day!  Walkin around at work.. stuff to do, places to go.. smokes?  Where are they??  Gotta have one!  feel my pockets nothing.. feel my back pockets.. a bulge.. a very flat bulge. A very bent, crushed half a pack of cigs.  Fantastic.  Try to light one, has a tiny hole in it.  Not getting the nicotine I needed!  GOD I HATED THOSE DAMN LITTLE HOLES in smokes!!  Maybe I can bum a smoke off someone... "Hey you got a smoke I can... ??"  I asked that question at least 1000 times in my life.  How many times did I rummage through the back of my car through a garbage pile of empty cigarette packs, dead lighters, cellophane, and paper in the hopes I'd find one lousy cigarette.

Applied for a job once.  Working as a network engineer for a Chemical Plant.  Had to take some sort of breath test (I have no idea what the name of it is) where you blow into this tube and it measures how much force your lungs can produce.  This is so that if you have to wear a gas mask with canisters in an chemical spill emergency, you can still breathe.  Two nurses.  Had to take the test not once, not twice, but NINE times.  By the time I passed the test I was within seconds of passing out.

Back yard.  Someone's house.  Party.  Beer.  (Where's my beer?)  Oh there it ... ashtray.. GREAT.. used that one for my ashtray.  Fresh pack of smokes.  Pack!  Pack!  Pack!  Gotta smack that pack to get the tobacco closer together... standing over the toilet again.  PLOP!  OH MY GOD.

For 88 days, I haven't wasted a cigarette.  I haven't used a lighter.  I've had probably 10 people ask me on the street for a light and I sincerely don't have one.  The back of my car hasn't been littered with dozens of empty packs.  I wake up, I don't need a cigarette.  I drink coffee, I don't need a cigarette.  I eat, I don't need a smoke.  I fly on a plane, I'm not FREAKING THE EFFF OUT!  Wow, what a relief.  I'm so very glad I'm done wasting money.  I'm so glad I'm done wasting my lungs and wasting away the years.  I've got a life to live, and 2 sons to raise.

What a great feeling to be in control of my life again.  Last time I had that control I was 14 and didn't have a clue.  One day at a time, I'm slowly starting to regain that clue about my journey ahead.