The bad news first -- I got called into my boss's office late this afternoon and told that while she really loved having me on the team, and I had a great attitude, my inability to consistently mark up agreements so as to cover everything our policies and good business judgment would require is putting my job in jeopardy. It's very frustrating for me because I really couldn't disagree with her. I have been working very hard to do these things correctly, but for some reason I keep missing things I shouldn’t. This week I marked up a document that it turns out I had done last week and I had no recollection of it. I’m going to go in to the office on Sunday and pull every agreement I’ve done and every markup my boss has done on my work, and study them. I will make a matrix of all the things that could possibly come up in these agreements. She said my job depends on how I do on the next 3 or 4 agreements.
Please understand that I have always done excellent work – I graduated from law school with honors, and practiced law successfully for the better part of 20 years. I have always taken pride in my work and never taken it lightly. I was promoted in this company after 2 years I don’t know what the problem is, but I sure need to fix it or I will be out of a job. OMG those words strike terror in my heart. I am NOT ready to retire. I need to work for 3 years and 8 months before I can reasonably retire. I also can’t even imagine looking for a new job right now. So I HAVE to make this work.
I am worried that there's something wrong with my brain; I've never had problems like this before. I do have a neurologist, and I'm definitely going to talk to him about this.
Now, my job is to NOT obsess about this. It is what it is. I have a plan to do something to address it this weekend. There is nothing more I can do this weekend. I have to be confident that I can turn this around and worrying about it isn’t going to prove a thing. I may have to repeat this mantra a few times in the next couple of days, but I know what I’m saying is true.
It’s a strong measure of my trust in this community for me to share this because in addition to many other things, I find it very embarrassing. But I’ve promised to be honest here, and that’s okay.
The good news – I didn’t smoke. I didn’t even want to smoke. I did think about smoking and realized how happy I was that I didn’t have that false crutch any longer. And this is one of the reasons I’ve shared so much about this experience, because in the past this would have been a HUGE trigger for me. So in the midst of work angst, I am still experiencing quit joy.
Love to all and thanks for letting me run on about this. Sweet Dreams!
