Well, today I am at Forty Days! yay! I feel so different than I did those first weeks. I am surprised at how reduced the crave and the obsessive thoughts about cigs have become. It's still there, but it's a gentle knock as opposed to a pileated woodpecker carving a hole in my head kind of feeling. I had never known that smoking added to anxiety. So my anxiety has improved a bit, which is always a good thing.
I am not quite myself today. I had to spend 3 hours working with my bully boss doing some packing of the lab. Little jabs and snarky comments all over the place. I can't figure out how she can be so unkind all the time to me? So one example....I found this interesting research item, and I said "oh Kathy, look at this...I gotta tell you the story!!" She says...."no you don't, just shut up and keep working." "But I can keep packing and tell you." and she says "I'm just not interested in any of your stories". well, that just crushed me. She so easily makes me feel stupid and less than. The other person, Pam, never gets that much crap. maybe a little here and there. It doesn't make sense. I can rationally look at it, but I still can't shut off my feelings and my feelings get hurt every time I am around her. So after she left, I am writing this and eating my lunch and just feel shell shocked and a little shut down now.
But no matter what, it is NOPE for me.
