WARNING: this is Not a pleasant read.
Be in the moment – let go – you’re taking it too hard are the phrases I keep hearing. The more the people around me think themselves educated, seasoned or god forbid enlightened, the more entitled they think themselves to advice others. And wise man once said and said it right that the only thing you can do with a good advise is to pass it on. Buddhism, Taoism, and more isms, methods and schools of thoughts, which I care to recall, have found their way into our modern mechanical half-lives. And our modern, left brains are attempting to make sense of them and like children, trying on their mothers’ high heals, earrings, and putting on their mothers lipsticks, in the oddest manner, we too are trying to incorporate these valuable, timeless fundaments into our lives and into our days; after all it has become a trend. Whether or not we look at it as a ‘trend’ or humbly grabbing on to them for a sweeter life we have a long way to go before we can even pretend to understand what’s being expected of us as a race of half-wits, and disconnected let alone explaining it to each other and try to ‘be of help’.
‘you are too angry’! and no amount of yoga, tai qi, deep breathing and fine dining can change some facts; Of basic or very close to basic human needs. I was raised with a father that like other half-wits, made his fatherhood established by providing food and shelter, bragged about it in the process and no more. No more shown from him than an angry face, judgmental looks and dissatisfied gestures. Another poor soul! A man that shouldn’t have been let out to communicate with people, let alone make a family and stick with it. My trust in family is no more.
Less of my land might I say; I live in a country that resembles the same authority figures only in the scale of a government, ten folds madness, a hundred folds complexity. I am not allowed in most the countries residing in such place. In case I am to enter another land my stay is very limited. I have a low currency in my pockets and lower respect out of the others. Why not! when my own government wants me dead; wants me ‘not to exist’
Yet I want and I want. I want to be able to travel (even in my lands) with no companion and no explanation. I want to be able to go to the sea at any given hour, at any given shore. Without being charged, and without being charged with! I want to talk to men, working men, passing men without being perceived a whore by those men. I want to place my garbage outside every night without scanning myself for extra nipples.
I want a guy by my side, I want a man whom does not whine like a child, pout like a girl; still not to work on a construction site. I want a playmate, a music friend, a lover all together in one. I want to be able to walk anywhere at anytime day and night without fear of being attacked, killed or worse raped. I don’t want to return home after dark; I want to stay outside till the sun comes up again. I hate being afraid. And I hate being alone.
I’m sick of hearing from friends they’re all I need. Bullshit! Even they don’t believe in what they say. I’m tired of sympathizing with all homosexuals just because they have it hard! Just because if they get discovered, they’d get hung; Screw a woman and you’ll be fine. I’m tired of watching my mouth, of being civilized, of pretending to even know the importance of being civilized in the midst of all I want. Tired of pretending to be free, tired of pretending I know how to be free. And tired of all the pretenders passing you by with a ‘Namaste’ smile and a concerned look; air of superiority talking of consciousness and all they’re lacking. People with they’re appearance all-together! I don’t buy it for a second. I don’t by that any of us knows what we’re doing or how to get what we want, hell! How to find the balls to mention what we really want.
