I came to give those that know me an update of what has been going on. Since the last time I was here the situation with my mom has gotten worse, which of course was expected. She is asleep all the time, she does open her eyes but we don't know if she is really reacting to anything. I hope she can hear me as I now am using skype, being so far away it is a help for me, as the hospice people tell me, that the talking to her is for me as much as it is for her. Being so far and not being able to go there is hard, I don't know what to do or how to handle this. Everyone has been to see her, have left voice messages for her, we are all saying goodbye and hoping she will let go. Her body is breaking down, her skin is breaking down and tears easily, she has sores that won't heal, her breathing has become worse, they stopped her feedings because she can't tolerate them anymore, she is being given water every hour and morphine every 4 hours, I wonder if the morphine is keeping her asleep, must remember to ask that. I have been told it is just a matter of time now. I have told her in a round about way of my sister and husband dying, saying that they will be waiting for her on the other side (she had heartattack some years ago, she said she saw heaven and what a beautiful place it was and all the beautiful flowers), so that is why I have told her that people are waiting for her, I thought that knowing about my sister and husband might help her, I have told her she doesn't have to wait for me and I understand if she has to go. I don't know why she is hanging on.
I think this is harder than having a person die all of a sudden, unexpected, I never had to go through this before and I really feel sorry for people who have to watch and wait for someone to die. It is a terrrible thing when we have to tell someone to go, to wish them to go, because it is all that can be done.
I really would like to be able to take her home and talk to her, walk with her in the woods again, have a meal with her again, but I know it will never be again, this is it and it is all over.
Losing my husband (well I do know where he is physically) and my sister in the past almost 2 years has been difficult, I got through it, there are times that I miss them, the wierd thing is that it is as if they didn't exist almost, it has been so long, it is probably how it should be, we can't stay in a constant state of mourning, not if we are to continue living. We have be able to find some happiness again, other wise what would the point be in going on. Death is just unfair and we can't do anything about it. We have to except it and mourn, then move on. If we didn't do this, everyone would be sad all the time, depressed, it would be a world of crying, this place has so many troubles as it is and it would be so much worse if we couldn't move on from mourning our loved ones. The children need to see us be able to mourn and accept it, we have to show them how to do it, how to live with it and what to do when it happens in their lives.
I don't know how I am going to deal with the death of my mom, I feel like my head is going to explode, but I know I will get through it, I know I will survive it. I just feel so tired, for awhile it was not being able to sleep, my stomach was in knots, now its just being tired and my head throbbing, I dread seeing my mom the way she looks, but know I must do it for me and for her.
I know there are so many of you that have been through this and worse and are still going through things all on top of trying to quit or keeping your quit. I have kept mine through all of this and believe me when I say there have been times when I really just wanted to say "f--- it" and just smoke, sometimes I thought what is the difference if I live or die, who cares anyway, it won't make an impact on anybody or the world.
The thing is though, I have 2 sons, they are not small, but I am their mom, my death would impact them, me being sick would impact their lives, it is their world and their lives that it would matter for, they would care. and I couldn't do that to them, no matter how badly I felt and how much I didn't care about my life, I could not hurt them, put them through this pain I am feeling now for my mom, the pain I felt for my sister or husband, their father, which they also felt, no, I wouldn't hurt them, so I will not smoke, I will not break my quit, what ever I have to go through it will be smoke free.
Well, now I just wait, wait for the email telling me my mom is gone, I will put on black, I will mourn, a year will pass and life will go on.
Thank you for being here
