Share your quitting journey
I have been meaning to write a blog for days and days now and I never seem to have enough time to complete anything. I am working on the inventory of the things that we lost in the fire and it is a horrible task. It takes up all of my time and energy (which is pretty sadly limited these days).
I had my shoulders injected today to see if it will control the pain that is robbing me of any peace and sleep, I also finally relented and set up an appointment to begin screening for the shoulder replacement surgery. I told the PA that I am feeling very fearful about anesthesia because of my breathing. She assured me that the screening is very intense and will involve anesthesia and any other departments that are deemed necessary to make sure I am healthy enough to undergo the surgery.
I have been having such intense shortness of breath on exertion that I am close to feeling like I am going to experience the first panic attack of my life. I do not like small spaces and COPD reminds me of being in a very small space. When I worked as an RN for many, many years, the patients I dreaded caring for were the ones with advanced COPD. They were so anxious and terrified and oftentimes teary, they were also very demanding and impatient with caregivers whether they were nursing staff of their family members. Lately, I see some of those traits in myself and that is HORRIFYING. I do not want to be impatient and seem angry all the time, it is so unlike me. I had a doctor’s appointment last week and they did a pulse oximeter on me to check my oxygen saturation and I was sickened to see how low it was after walking from the scale outside of the exam room, the ten feet to the exam room, carrying my coat and my purse. The saturation went up to within normal limits after I was at rest but the nurse asked me if I was on oxygen at home. She also asked if I had a pulmonologist and suggested that I might want to get one. I made an appointment with one the first Monday in April, it was the first appointment I could get. I am hoping that I will get some sort of encouraging answers from that appointment. I do not want to live in fear of suffocating and the idea that I have contributed to this by my smoking, makes me angrier than I can possibly explain. I have quit smoking in the past and always slipped for one reason or another, if I quit because I was sick, I started smoking again when I felt better. I convinced myself that I “overreacted” to my symptoms. Well, no problem THIS time, it has been over a year and it’s clear that I should have reacted a LOT sooner. To those of you struggling to stay quit…PLEASE, PLEASE learn something from what I am experiencing. You do NOT HAVE to go down this road, you can turn around before there is no way to do that. If just one person reads this and it hits home, it will make everything I am experiencing worth the fear, the stress, and the insecurity. Remember that as COPD progresses, your fatigue level goes up so much that ANY actitivity is exhausting, making the bed, taking a shower, even the most benign activity becomes monumental.
Sorry this is not an uplifting blog, it is an honest blog coming from someone who just might have waited too long to quit smoking. Be that ONE person this blog reaches!
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