Hi All,
This last week or so he been a living nightmare for and still hold onto my quit hoping and praying that I am almost out of NML by now. I feel incredibly weak around my family as tension grows stronger with every passing day and glance at each other. But feel pretty strong as far as my desire to smoke even one or to even use any nicotine replacements because the desire is so low it's actually shocking.
I find my myself waking from what little sleep I am getting gasping for air and coughing and really wish that would stop all together, its really annoying! My anxieties and fears have taken my voice and not allowed me to say what I need to say to my family. I feel like I am trapped within my own head and the enemy comes hard and fast and tries to tear my family down and apart. There have been a few close calls however, I actually went and checked myself into a hospital.
I need help figuring out how all this is going to be played out and hopefully not the way I am fearing the worst... I need a hug!! I have hit an all time low, I have not been this depressed or anxious in a very very very very long time! Now what? I'm still hanging on by a thread. I don't know how long I will have internet, we've lost the insurance on our vehicles, my inspection stickers expired in November, we have shut off notices its hard to keep them all straight and I don't know of any food banks that deliver.
All of this is taking its toll, now I have applications for assistance but my husband wants me to fill out what I can and I just hope and pray he fills in the rest with his financial stuff and his silly stupid pride doesn't get in the way of getting us help this, if its even available. I am praying we get a break, but the enemy has moved into my family an destroyed the love, communication, and warmth and a constant struggle to have our basic needs met and driving a wedge between all of us with screaming matches and slammed doors, and hateful words shared, and a lot of crying, blaming, and shaming, past issues are being thrown in each others faces.
I am waiting for a miracle, some answers to my cries in the night, my torment all day and despite my empty glass I keep trying fresh new ways of replenish myself before I stop myself from caring anymore, because that is not me AT ALL! I just can't take this daily. No insurance, no meds, no therapy, no cigarettes no hugs, no smiles. Something has to give...right?
<3Carolyn\MustangSally7705
