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Share your quitting journey

The Black Cloud

Angel.wings
Member
0 7 0

I have a week before my quit day and I am already realizing some things about myself. I have been living with a cloud over my head for the entirety of my time smoking, all four years of my adult life. I am 22 and have not had the long years with nicotine as some of you have, but the hold is still strong. And since the health problems haven't come yet, it's easy to pretend that nothing bad is happening. 
However, this black cloud that I've been hiding under has rained on everything in my life. I used to be spiritual. I used to meditate, and do yoga. I used to dance and I could sing. I would sing long, high notes that I can no longer hold. They come out strained and scratchy when they used to be clear and light. I ran cross country in high school. Even after, I still ran. I could run upto 5 miles at a time without stopping. It seems crazy to me now because I have a lake 2 minutes walking distance from my house and I forget it's there because I never even walk anymore. It's sad. I used to draw. I can't really remember when I stopped drawing, but I would do it for hours at a time, become completely lost in the art. Not stopping until it was perfect. Now if I try, I can't fully escape into it. I can't get lost in anything because those thoughts of smoking never leave me for long enough. They're always there in the backround of everything I do. 
Also, it's hard to fully love yourself when you are simultaneously poisioning yourself. How can I accept that I am good enough as I am when I have to buy something to make me feel whole? Shouldn't I be enough as I am, in all my humany imperfectness? Instead of feeling a full range of emotions, I reach for the pack as soon as I feel anything, and numb it away with nicotine. Maybe it has been a way to try and regain a sense of control. But when that sense of control costs $10 a pop and is trying to kill me, there's no way to justify that. 
It's time to stop hiding in the dark. It's been a while since I've felt the sun, and I'm sure it will burn at first. Those burns will blister, but they will eventually heal and become new skin, stronger skin. It's time to let the light back into my life. 

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