Today was slated to be a down day, relaxing with a good book. I had my Kindle all charged, a Christmas book downloaded, a cup of tea brewed---and then the phone rang. My daughter had a hair appointment and wondered if the kids could come over for a bit. Much to my delight, a little bit turned into 10 hours.
There was a day, not so long ago, that if my plans didn’t go exactly as designed, I would be very anxious and in a testy state! I could smile and be nice on the outside, but my insides were all jumpy and I was on edge! Today, there wasn’t even a hiccup in my state of being--it just was. I found myself taking a deep cleansing breath, but that was it. Something else I can add to my growing list of benefits I suppose—improved adaptation in dealing with schedule changes. I am extremely regimented, so I’ll take it. 🙂
I used to think I was a devoted mom/grandma, with a big, loving, and kind heart. I thought all my energies and attention were solely focused on my family when they were around. I honestly believed I put all their needs first and foremost. Until today, I never realized how many times that my selfish need to feed the demon interfered. Our activities ALWAYS had to be worked around or were interrupted by my smoking. Today, I never once said, “Give me a couple of minutes” (while reaching for the smokes) “and then we will do that.” I was amazed to be filled with immeasurable amounts of energy and patience. I didn’t have to take breaks because of tiredness or shortness of breath, and I didn’t get stopped with an uncontrolled coughing fit or a need to smoke another. Another thing present today was feeling. Emotions seemed to be quite heightened these days, but it is so nice to be able to actually feel and not have to run away or hide from them, or blow them up in a cloud of smoke. It is so great to think/plan/deal and no longer smoke life away on auto-pilot.
Yep, there was a change of plans, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I was OK with it. I didn’t feel the panic or the need to smoke in order to deal with the change. For the first time in as long as I can remember I simply participated in and enjoyed everything going on around me without the anxiousness brought on by nicotine. I know that today my eyes were able to see new benefits of my newfound freedom. I am so grateful to be escaping that vicious, self-destructing cycle of nicotine addiction. NEVER AGAIN will I be enslaved to that nastiness. Never again.
