I cannot begin to tell you how difficult things have been...it's not ALL of the time, I still somehow find things to laugh at and I would say, for the most part, that I am doing better...yesterday and today have been crying days and no matter how I tried to hold my tears back, they came out with sobs and gasps the harder I tried. Yesterday, I was working on the inventory of things in the house for the insurance company and then I was remembering things that I know I will never see again, things that I never thought I would lose. The cats, of course, have been the hardest and I will grieve them for as long as I live...until I join them. I will have quite a "herd" of cats who have gone before me. Losing three at the same time is completely unfathomable. Visualizing the rooms as they were and as they will never be again, has thrown me harder than I can begin to tell you. I have no desire to smoke, I do have an acute desire to get past this pain, it is so hard.
Thank you for your kind words and your thoughts, please keep us in your prayers, there are many more difficult times to come. This has always been my favorite season and this year, I cannot possibly enjoy it...we did get a tree for our apartment which we have not moved into yet...we need decorations...some people have kindly donated some pretty things but, of course, there were the favorites that the kids liked to hang and they are not there anymore. When my youngest was not yet born, a friend of mine started crocheting decorations, one was an angel tree topper and then there were little angels that were starched to make them stay in position. I bought one for each of my three kids and I bought the tree topper along with some snowflakes. Those were favorites and cannot be replaced. As far as I know, the baby Jesus is the only survivor from the Nativity Scene and I felt something fall from the attic when I was upstairs a couple of days ago. I looked down and there were three of the four stockings I had made for us when the kids were very young. Each stocking was made of material that was already in the house and had some connection to the person. My youngest daughter had an Egyptian design, my son, a piece of upholstery fabric he was very fond of, Mike had dark green velvet that I had used to line one of his showcases, and then there was mine...it was made from a dress I wore when I was still nursing my youngest, before I was diagnosed with RA. The only one that did not come down was Mike's...he wants to go up there. There are large holes in the floor of the attic or the ceiling of the 2nd floor; it would be insane to try to walk up there. I would like to get a ladder and look and see if there is any way to push some things close to the openings but I am not sure that's wise. I am not willing to risk further injury. All of our suitcases were stored up there, some with clothes and things inside of them. I do not know if any of them survived. I also had a box up there that was filled with some things I took from my mother's home after she died. I would go up there and open it and breathe in sometimes and be reminded of how she smelled. The kids’ toys were there, expecting to be handed down to grandchildren someday. This has been the hardest time I can ever remember and I cannot begin to thank all of you enough for your thoughts and prayers and the immense support that I feel here. I so hope that everyone has a peaceful and happy Holiday season.
Love, Ellen
