I went to the mom-and-pop convenience store with my husband. I don't know why he agreed to go--he's never smoked, and never supported me doing so. But I've been under a great deal of stress lately, so I'm sure he'll do anything to help.
Anyway, we get there, and I get lucky enough to see a cigarette just sitting there, loose. I never smoked in a time nor place where one could buy "loosies," so I was intrigued. Because, really, all I wanted was one. I was out of luck, though. When I gave it to the man at the register to buy it, he said, "We don't sell those," and he took it from me. I considered my situation again, and then I sighed, "Give me a pack then." So he did. My husband pulled an orange lighter off the counter and asked me if there was anything he could do, and I mulled over the possibility of him taking the other 19 and trashing them, but you know, I didn't really want him to, so I said no. I made a joke about me feeling very casual about killing myself, and the man smiled as he handed me the receipt.
I don't remember opening the pack, but I remember putting one in my mouth. Where had my husband gone, anyway? He wasn't there. I held it there dangling from my lips for a long while, and I thought of you guys. What am I going to say? Maybe I don't have to say anything. It's just one, after all.
But just one...I would have to reset my...you know. Who cares? I don't.
So I lit it defiantly and purposefully. And I smoked it, blowing the smoke out forcefully. As I did, I realized I had just ruined my SilkQuit meter, and the image of it flashed in my mind, and moving it back to a new quit date. Waiting a year to get another "Y" on there. And I thought, maybe I can just never come back to EX. They don't have to know. I kept puffing.
And then my cell phone alarm went off! Time for work!!
THANK GOODNESS...it was just a dream!!! And a good thing, too, because ONE does not exist! They travel in packs...
