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Another day...more challenges

elvan
Member
0 18 57

Another day, bracing for more heartache.  It is going to rain today so we have to cover what is outside and try to get indoors at least one more time before the Fire Marshall catches us and calls the police. I am so tired of smelling like the inside of an ashtray or worse…a WET ashtray. I am trying to remember what to look for but when I get inside, it hurts so much to see all of the melted and destroyed items and know that my poor cats must have been terrified because the room they died in was such a disaster, the only place that wasn’t a disaster was the basement so those terrorist spiders are probably just fine.  My oldest daughter has spoken to my youngest and asked that I not be upset with her because she cannot bear to talk to me or her father yet.  She knows about the cats but wants no details, she does not want to know anything yet…she told my oldest that she cannot do it yet.  Her phone broke so she cannot call and she is still on “vacation” in Bali so her internet access is very limited.  I respect her need to protect her emotions…she is the polar opposite of me and holds everything inside when I cannot keep my feelings from spilling out all over.  I suspect I have embarrassed her all her life. Dale told me that thank you’s were not necessary but my heart is bursting with gratitude for all that you have done…if you were not here, I think I would lose what is left of my mind…which is not much.   I almost hope that it rains so I can come back to the motel early and sleep…we are averaging 2-3 hours of sleep a night and I cannot run on this much longer.  I cannot begin to tell you my pain level…if it is measured on a 1 to 10 level, I suspect it surpassed 20 at least a day ago.  I cannot take pain medication any more than I have already; I can and will increase my prednisone to see if I can at least slow down the inflammation.

There were vultures roosting across the street at my neighbor’s house and she had asked me to call the animal control department of the police and see if they would help…she was also calling.  I did so and also asked the university for help because they had a problem at one time.  The night of the fire, I sent her a text and told her that at least they would probably not be back, she was horrified…she said it did not matter and I should be GRIEVING,  I am grieving but I thought it might make HER laugh. The vultures are back, they never left.  I guess my sense of humor is warped.  I lost all of my family recipes and that might hurt the most…I know it sounds crazy but I wanted to start my Holiday baking this week, not that I have even a cookie tray but I will…they survived.  My son and his fiancée want us to move into their apartment and they would move up into another apartment in the same house but I do not think it is fair to displace the person who is there now and we have been offered a place in the country for no rent in exchange for caring for the owner’s cats until Spring while they are out of town.  It might be best for everyone.  A parent of one of our daughter’s friends is coming to take us there today and to help move and cover stuff that needs to be protected.  I do not want to hurt my son but the rent on the apartment would be $675 a month and this would be nothing for now…we still have to replace everything but it would give us time.

I must try to put on makeup so I do not scare people away, I we need to be at the house in an hour to meet people. My heart will never be the same but we ARE alive, I would just give anything if my “babies” were as well, I would give up every single thing we have salvaged for them…if God never gives you more than you can handle, he may have overestimated me this time. I know that’s not possible but it sure seems that way.

I love you all and my thanks seem so inadequate right now…I could not make it without your love and support. Not that I think I would smoke…I just think I would disintegrate. My oldest daughter will be here Monday and that will be a HUGE gift.  She is already telling me what she is going to do…take inventory, decide the value of the losses…we have not been able to even consider that at this point. I DO think my ugly work clothes survived…woo hoo! I love you all, each and every one of you and to all you newbies…you CAN do this, if I can do this after smoking for 47 years…you can do this. I promise you it gets better…now if I just could get my life back on track, but I know it will happen.

Love, Ellen

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About the Author
Retired RN, worked ICU/ER developed RA in early 90's, unable to work because of brittle bones from high dose steroids. Diagnosed with COPD 5 yrs ago but sure it was there and progressing long before. Live with severe chronic pain, degenerative disc disease, had both upper lobes of my lungs removed in 2015. Struggle with shortness of breath. Work in son's cafe as a cashier 2 days a week to be around people. I am a people/animal person. Lost my home and three cats in a fire on my ten month anniversary of quitting smoking. Never thought of smoking, knew it wouldn't help anything.