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Share your quitting journey

A little better.

zackie09_51214
0 5 0

Happy September Everyone. I'm trying to take a lot of time to just destress. I'm not doing near as bad as I WAS doing. I'm still pretty much sleeping all day! I'm taking it one day at a time. Which is all any of us can  do isn't it? Me and my mom have been talking about how seriously we need to get our own apartment. Because of having to do therapy based on my father (thats where my trauma therapy comes in) and then coming back to here and having to put up with him. I'm kinda taking the if I don't have anything nice to say, don't  say anything at all. All I know is I won't stoop down to his level and argue....it's like his favorite pasttime. Me and my mom on the other hand have always had the type of personality that are very passive. My dad is one of the few people who can really work me up...it's just holding it in all those years. I use to self medicate with nicotine...now that is no longer a part of my life my brain is kinda in a high anxiety, stressed, really scared and anxious about getting out of here. But i'm not going to postpone my therapy at the deep rooted things just because I'm living here temporarily. This therapist is putting it in my hands...my others didn't want to do it while I was here because I could have a reaction like this. But I have to hurt and it has to get worse before it gets better. I can feel that I'm better from a few days ago. I might write my brother in Texas tonight. That might help me out a little. I'm having a hard time coping with the fact (for now at least) that I probably won't be able to see him for another four years and some months. He has helped me through these types of things. He's the type of brother who is your very best friend and there when I need a shoulder to cry on. He's battled mental health. Problems with my dad. He knows exactly what im going through as we both have been diagnosed with a lot of the same things. He has taught me that I have it, it doesn't have me. He proved that you can get through the therapy and possibly not be dependent on medication. We also were smoking buddies, (thats the reason im talking about the mental stuff with me and my brother). When he was falsely convicted. He entered prison and since all prisons are on state grounds there is no smoking. I finally figured wow, my brother who has no one down there for him, IN prison was able to quit smoking. It made me think, and when I quit and I wrote and told him in the letter I got back when he said he was so proud of me....those are the moments I live for literally. If my big brother approves of something and tells me he's proud. It's always something that gives me that feeling of validation that I never once got from my dad. That's a big part of why I've been depressed lately. I was looking forward to his parole being up here. Stupidly, I don't really know why I thought something would go that well. I guess we should be grateful he's out. but the place he is is a hellhole. He has to pay for food, everything. and they just released him straight from there to the halfway or as i call it hellway house. He has no phone. Has to schedule to use the phone a week in advance. Just to get his birth certificate because his "wife" that abandoned him took EVERYTHING sold both cars....and shes the one who wanted to get married when all this happened. so we have to take the remainder of our money that is suppose to last us until my mom gets paid on 9/17 and get his birth certificate and send it to him. otherwise if he doesnt get a state id within 90 days of release he'll go back for remainder of sentance plus 2 years for failure to register for something someone else did on his comp. It's quite frustrating. They really ruined his life. Made me look at life differently. If someone who goes through all that is able to quit smoking. I know I have to be successful with this. I mean, what I'm going through doesn't hold a light to the hell he's gone through the past 3 years. I just wanted to get that off my chest. maybe that will help too. I thank everyone who has been supporting me, your kind words have held me up against the winds of cat 5 hurricaine. Also listening to Lady Gaga helps me 🙂 I'm starting to recover. I'm regaining an appetite I think. I was able to get up and eat breakfast. I had a small lunch. (which is a big improvement), haven't eaten dinner yet but it's only 7:31 Pm. PST. I did however sleep from 1 - 5. I was up for two hours between how long I was up. Which is better then the one hour yesterday.. I'm slowly in recovery mode taking everything easy having to relax. But getting better constantly. 

Well I'm going to go for now. I hope all is well HAPPY SEPTEMBER AND HAVE A SMOKE FREE LABOR DAY!

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