Well, the past 24 hours have been something else for me! Thank you for all of the advice you guys have given me I'm trying to take an all around approach to everything. I was having Panic attacks and anxiety attacks all day and night. And to those of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning, you may remember back in june my sleeping problems had some pretty bad night terrors...well unfortunately all last night I had horrible night terrors. To top it off my biggest trigger as many of you may know is my dad drinking. He thinks it is okay to drink once in a while. He bought two 25 oz. budweiesers. It sets a lot of triggers off for me. Just seeing the can is bad enough. But then to hear the way only a can of beer opens. I'm not sure if many can tell but it does actually have a different sound than other carbonated beverages, such as coca cola, pepsi, sprite, 7-Up, etc. Growing up with an alcoholic I guess you pick up subtlties like that. Anyways having to hear the pop of the can, and I can't stand the smell. I had to smell it every day when he drank heavily every night. (up to 30+ cans of beer at night). I'm okay with being around other alcohol. And it's really when my dad does it. Because unfortunately alcohol consumption is what led to us getting kicked out the last time when we were in the motel as many of you know! We are stepping up the search for an apartment but we're not finding anything, I've been talking to some people I know trying to get the word out as much as possible. Finding an apartment for under 500.00 in Portland, OR is not an easy feat. It's like waging peace between israel and gaza lol. The housing list we are on isn't going to let us know anything til after the 1st of december. Mom and I have talked and we have to get out of here before then. We are both going to go crazy. But through all of this I never once even thought about smoking...which I find to be an amazing fact. Because I've always went straight for cigarettes when he was drinking. But I have my quit so close to me it's not even letting the thought of smoking crop up. I mean there is absolutely nothing it would do to solve my problems. Quite the contrary, it would only make it even harder to get a place because of the expense of cigarettes. Especially when I am having a lot of stress. I do thankfully have my panic attack medicine. So that helped when he opened the first beer. I had my friend, Molly, come over and she let me vent to her. With having been there along the trip she has seen my dad at his worst pretty much. He may think he can hide stuff but he can't because she reads straight through him. She was one of the friends who a couple years ago had to help me get back on the straight and narrow. She's one of the people who knew I had to do what I had to do. Her and my mom are really close so if it weren't for them idk what would've become of me. I am thankful for them both bringing me back down to earth. I guess the things I've struggled against is what makes me "way beyond my years" speaking about maturity and wisdom.
But I'm doing really good with my quit which is a good thing. But the night terror, counteracts any rest I would've been able to get. It actually drains more out of me. They were about my dad. Actually about my dad going out getting beer and drinking, and then to have it happen was just too unexplainable for me for right now. I just tried to concentrate on what it will be like when I am out of here! Hopefully I don't say anything about my dad if I have severe night terrors again! I have discovered a new recurrent theme in my dreams now...I call 911 because my dads attacking or going crazy and they refuse to respond. Like I said I'm pretty sure I'm going completely insane now. Because I'm now afraid of sleeping. Very stressed. You would think right now is when i would be at my weakest with my quit but cigarettes aren't in my mind at all.
I'm really hoping that this is showing that, over time my brain is learning that it's not easy but it can deal with these really hard situations without having to have nicotine. So today was an interesting day. I just stayed out of my dads way. Well I'm exhausted I'll be back on the freedom train and daily pledge but I can't say when i'm needing to take some time to do a lot of self reflecting and inner soul searching to find the strength to hold myself together until me and my mom can get an apartment. Here's to 110 Days of Freedom and to many MANY more. And I wish everyone a happy labor day weekend!
Zackie 110DOF
