cancel
Showing results for 
Show  only  | Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Share your quitting journey

You are always vulnerable. Protect that quit!

freedom-38
Member
0 9 11

Hi all,

It seems like forever since I have written here, because it has been forever. 

The last couple of days have had me dealing with some stress and even though I am over a year and half into my very strong and beautiful quit, the nicodemon has been showing his face lately. I am not scared of smoking, because I am smart about it now and I am aware and I aknowledge that I am an addict. Even though it is nicotine that I am addicted to and it is a socially acceptable drug, I am no different than any other addict. In fact, I might be worse.

Last night I was told some very sad news about a family member. My step mom has brain cancer. Now, this isnt a blog about poor me and my family but I want to share what is happening. 

So I recieved this news and last night I had my first smoking dream in I dont know how long. In my dream I was so stressed out that I didnt even care I was smoking. Scary. It felt good. It felt familiar in a place where I was so scared running from zombies or whatever it was that I was doing. 

Then today. Today I lost my keys in the grocery store and I started having this total meltdown in the parking lot. I literally started spiralling. I mean, I could feel myself spiralling downward. I thought: I am going to smoke. 

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??????? Nope.

But then I slapped myslef out of it and composed myself best as I could.

Someone turned in my keys. Holy frack.

Another thing that happened last night that first started the idea to wrtie this blog is that I was grocery shopping while I was so starving I thought I might die. So I made some bad choices on food. Not so terrible: just raviloi and some bread. But it was supposed to be salad and all this other good stuff. Whatev's right?!

Anyhow... I had this thought: If you are not prepared you make bad decsions.

That applies to everything and it got me to thinking about smoking and how becasue I was prepared and have always been prepared I have been able to make good strong decisions and stay quit.

But then today, I was reminded how vulnerable I still am. I have to remember to stay humble and grateful because addiction is a strong force and we can crumble at any time and givie into it if we are not prepared.

Stress will ALWAYS be there and smoking does not make it better or make it go away.

Life is tough. There is no doubt. But it is also beautiful and we all deserve to be healthy and happy and live as long as we can. 

So there you go.

If anybody is new here and are having a tough time, stay strong, it does get better. But stay prepared and be ready to shoot the nicodemon at any given moment. He loves to surprise!! 

9 Comments