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| Dad gave me my first cigarette when I was 12-14. It immediately made me feel better! I wanted another one right away. Don't remember if I coughed or not. Just remember liking it. I stole some cigarettes from him sometime after that and stayed home from school one day and smoked in front of a mirror until I could successfuly know how to inhale...wanted to be "cool" and do it right. I've been hooked ever since. When he would take me on Casa Piedra trips near the Big Bend area, beer and cigarettes flowed freely. It was during those times that I got along with my dad better than ever. Cigs and beer took the fear and trauma of living with my dad at home right out of the picture. I discovered that escape from reality, relaxation and good sensations were imprinted on me emotionally from the cigarettes & alcohol. I made a decision based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt physically. And found in smoking a coping mechanism for life! Plus a huge, self destructive addiction! I have smoked for around 45+ years. I have been unsuccessful at quitting over and over. I am familiar with the relapse scenario. The first puff, like the first drink, is deadly for me because I've invevitably been unable to stop and shortly after, bought another pack , then two, etc. I accept today that I'm completely powerless to stop once I have that first puff off of a cigarette. I have been unable to handle my emotions or my life without smoking except for short periods of time. I am a complete failure in quiting smoking because even though several times He has given me the grace to not have any compulsion to smoke, I have made a choice to pick one up in the bargaining stage. "just one won't hurt me". When I pick one up, I am closed off from the sunlight of the Spirit I have been in denial all my life that smoking will hurt me. In fact, cigarette smoking will get me DEAD! I've lied about my smoking to others and to doctors. I've been smoking at least 2 packs daily since I came to AA, sometimes more! I bought those cheap cigars at $2 a pack in order to afford smoking. I have been diagnosed with COPD w\ chronic bronchitis at least 10 years ago and still have the same diagnosis. I'm lucky it isn't emphasyma yet! I have been told by every doctor I have to quit smoking! I have tried, failed and continued to smoke. I have some plaque already around my heart that could cause me to have a major heart attack. I carry nitro glycerin at all times. Smoking builds up plaque on the heart. I have been told that smoking exacerbates COPD, Lupus, Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Arterial vasculitis, and my heart condition, etc. Denial and an inability to rely on God's power for any more than a month has placed my health in great jeopardy. For me, smoking is as dangerous as alcohol. I have insanity every time I take a drag off of a cigarette. I am seeing that clearly now. I have been getting on my knees and asking God to help me daily to not smoke a cigarette and restore me to some semblance of sanity regarding never smoking again one day at a time. The compulsion is gone now. I must rely upon God's power if tempted again and a strong NO to self. I've been self will run riot regarding smoking habits. My son hates smoking and I was bent upon smoking around him since his birth. I regret doing this to him and also wrecking my health. Probably take a few years from me at the end even after quitting now. After smoking lightly for 2 weeks, the vasculitis came back with a vengeance. When I got on my knees last Wednesday, I cried because the foot and leg pain I had brought on myself with smoking was instantly back again and even more intense and worse than before. And I cried while I was talking to God, please help me quit smoking today! It was clear to me that I could no longer smoke cigarettes safely again. And I couldn't quit on my own power. I had to have God's help. My dr. told me to use the vape for at least 6 months and slowly reduce the nicotine until I"m down to nothing but cinammon oil at the end. He said that several of his patients had been successful in quitting using that technique. I can't do it though, without God's help, and a willingness to leave smoking cigarettes in His hands. Meditation helps, too, I've discovered these last 5 days. It is amazingly fast, but after 5 days of being quit, my feet are already much better! May I be a testament to others like me who I would help with His Power, His love and His way of life...Thy will be done. | |
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