Ok my dear folks I have to bare my soul. Keeping it brutally real here. I've tried to put up a brave front and have done very well for a beginner quitter but it has been really rough. If I shared my "journal" entry from yesterday you would've called the white coats to pick me up! I may blog it one day for drama if things are slow on the site! Haha! Well today is day 117 and I guess all of you are going to be very disappointed in me. Dale you are going to send a drone to nuke my house! But I have to share my lessons learned. Long story short I (thought) I couldn't take it anymore and the rebel in me just had to have her way. I didn't want help. You know how the addict mind is. Yep I bought a pack went out on my deck and lit one. Took a drag - it tasted like a dirty ashtray smells, plus my chest hurt when I inhaled! I took another drag and it was the same. Took one more and then felt the dizziness. I gratefully put the dam# cursed thing out. I swear I DON'T KNOW HOW I EVER SMOKED!!!! I Washed my hands, broke up the rest of the pack in the trash. Brushed my teeth, washed my face. I'm over it people! I'm telling you this so you won't waste your time and money thinking a cig would be soooo good. I'm happy to continue my quit. If this has kicked up the receptors again, so be it. It won't be any worse than what I've been fighting. I guess I have to officially start my quit clock over but I'm going to keep counting 118 tomorrow and in my heart and spirit get out of NML in a couple of weeks. I'm moving forward and now I know I'm a non smoker!!! Lighting and smoking that cig seemed foreign to me - like someone else was doing it and I was observing. I'm looking forward now to real freedom. I'm sorry to anyone that may be upset by this. Please know that I am not. Except for the fact I've failed in keeping my pact with my dearest quit Buddy. No, I feel truly liberated now. I guess this is not the conventional way of doing things but I wanted to be honest with you my beloved EXfamily. I could not have gotten this far except for you. Even tho this has been a mess up I'm going forward now stronger for what I've learned. Maybe I can really get into that Happy Quitter zone now!!!! Onward.
