Yesterday, I went to a party that I KNEW was going to set off all kinds of triggers. I was not disappointed…there were about 20-25 people there and all but three were smoking. Make that four since I was not smoking. I got to the party at the “appointed” time and they had already consumed two large pitchers of “Boomerangs” which are apparently a tasty and strong alcoholic drink. I brought Diet Coke and Lemonade for myself. I had considered having a beer because it was so hot but the smoke was so heavy and I could feel my instinct to pick up a cigarette…I actually felt it twice and almost slapped myself. That would have gone over well. The party was in a gazebo next to a pool and I had every intention of spending my time in the pool but there were six people at any given time in the pool with ashtrays and drinks all around the edge and they were smoking so I decided to just sort of “mingle” and move from one little group to another. It was a birthday party and I offered to keep track of the gifts because the guest of honor was so drunk that she spilled an entire drink into her opened purse. The very first person to greet me was my former boss and she said, “Oh my God, Ellen, you look beautiful, you have put on some weight.” I know I was scary skinny but it was somehow NOT the greeting I wanted to hear. There were many comments on how toned my arms look since I have been at least TRYING to work out with the Shake Weight and a stationary bike that also exercises arms; that made me feel good. I really felt like drinking would have been a mistake because it would have weakened my resolve (I have never been much of a drinker). I looked over at my hostess who is in her late 70’s and has had bilateral partial foot amputations because of infections…she has a history of heart attacks and bypass surgery and is on anticoagulants, she has to use a walker, she can hardly get around. She has not smoked in years…at least not in public but she was smoking yesterday and I felt sick. I don’t know if I have said it here or not but my sister who is 70 and who had several problems with her lung collapsing…stopped smoking over 6 years ago, right after her son was killed in a car accident. She has advanced emphysema. She had one lung stapled together halfway and then filled with talc to stop it from collapsing so basically, she has one lung. She started smoking again a year ago and has not stopped, my oldest daughter who was sort of my quit mate…she lives in NY and I live in VA…is smoking again, she says “it is just cigars”…it is smoking period. I am NOT going to smoke, I do not want to smoke, I have another party tomorrow with many of the same people but some who, last time I knew, were not smoking…guess I will find out tomorrow. I won’t drink, I won’t smoke…I WILL take care of my baby quit. No one else CAN.
