Okay, its been awhile since Ive been on last. Work is busy as usual, 12 ppl put their notice in so I am picking up lots of extra shifts.
What's new since the last time I was on, let's see... my new place is great. Gets kind of lonely sometimes, so I'm grateful for work keeping me busy during the day. But at night sucks.
I am nervous as I am typing this because I am afraid I will get judged/ridiculed. Even though I'd like to think that I wouldn't get that from you guys, still a concern of mine. But if it happens I deserve it. Here it goes *deep breath*
I went to my friend's house over the weekend after work, we drank and played cards. Aaand I smoked cigarettes. Sad face. That was 4 days ago and I am still smoking. I'm not blaming anyone but myself, I thought I was ready to drink and hang out. I was doing so good, but drinking is a trigger and I should have known better!
I want to quit, I really do. I felt so good about myself, I was proud. My family was proud. Which, they don't know this happened. So I feel guilty about that on top of it all.
I dont understand WHY I LIKE it, it's weird to me to like something that causes you bodily harm! I hate the smell, after taste, money it costs me..so many things I hate about it. I like it because its something TO DO. I know there are other things to do instead...Ive been doing the whole straw thing and the gum. Its not the same though. I feel so relaxed when I smoke, it puts me at ease.
Sigh... I need help!!! I am really not trying to make excuses. I am simply trying to understand why it has such a hold on me and why it's so hard to quit. How many of you guys have slipped after being close to 2 weeks into your quit? 2 weeks! I was so close to that mark! It was out of my system and now its back! Its all in my head, I feel like I need it but I know I dont.
Please dont give up on me guys, I really need you. This is hard. I needed to come clean about it and be honest with you guys and myself. Im not looking for pity by any means, like I said I know I did this to myself and I am responsible for my own actions. Just need to talk this out, that would really help!
