Are things getting better? Hmmm, depends upon what things we are talking about. The urges are clearly much less frequent, I did get hit with one out of the blue yesterday when I was at work and I have no clue where it came from. I am still struggling with the constant pain, it has gotten to the point where I cannot hide it from people, at least not ALL of the time. I was really good at that for a long time, that is apparently over with. Work was challenging yesterday, to say the least, one of our students, a 3rd year law student, 50 days from graduation, was killed in an auto accident on her way to her externship. Her fiance is also a 3rd year, it was a difficult day for all of the students, it's a small law school and everyone knows everyone else. None of that played into my urge, at least not that I was aware of. I was just putting a couple of things in order, same thing I do every day when I work and this urge jumped up and tried really hard to pull me down. It was actually pretty remarkable because of how strong it was. I separated from it and tried to figure out where it came from but never came to any conclusion. My husband is leaving for NY tomorrow for his father's funeral, he says he is going to be alright to drive. I have to let go of this and let him do what he needs to do. His sister called me to ask if his paperwork was on the way (all of the offspring had to sign permission for the cremation). I told her that I had printed everything for him and given it to him and he was planning to go to the bank after he dropped me off at work. I said that I THOUGHT he was probably doing that, I tried, as I have tried repeatedly, to tell her that he has significant issues with his thinking processes. For the first time, EVER, she said that she knew, that she had heard it when she talked to him. I honestly think that validation just about blew me away. The urge was several hours later but maybe it was a combination of things. In any event, this is my 60th day and I am smoke free, I honestly believe this is my "forever" quit. I do wish that I felt better physically but I am so happy to not "do that anymore" that I cannot possibly tell you. I saw the dean of students yesterday, the person who instituted the smoking ban within 50 ft of the building and I actually considered thanking him...then again, I was a little afraid of what the smokers might do to me if they heard me. There are actually very few smokers, but as exams approach, more and more of the students are smoking. I had to move from where I was sitting at one point because the smell of smoke on their clothing was disgusting and the thought that I smelled like that 60 days ago made me sick. Happy first day of Spring everyone, we have all been waiting for so long for this season, I do hope that it stops teasing us and comes to stay. To all of my fellow Ex'ers...my heartfelt thanks.
