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bigbear1
Member

BiPolar Disorder, Uncontrolled Anger, Rage and Using!!!

It has taken me a while to figure out what I want to say in this Blog.  The shortest possible statement is that after 8 complete days I smoked.  My initial thoughts were so what it's not a big deal!  After all I didn't pay any money, therefore I didn't lose any money and I certainly didn't let  anyone down, so forget it and move on.  Well I am spending money now IF I purchase another pack of cigarettes and I believe I actually have let at least a few people down, including myself!  Therefore, I consider myself to remain a member of the Ex-Community, albeit with a new Quit Date, which I anticipate to be late today or tomorrow 11 January, 2014.

The facts of the matter are these.  I woke up on the 8th day feeling phyysically lousy, I was having difficulty with my balance and walking along with intense shakiness in my hands.  I dropped my glucometer while attempting to test my blood sugar levels and things went downhill from there.  Niether of my two best friends are talking to me (one because I hurt his feelings and the other in an effert to wean me of dependence on her) both of which hurt emotionally; but, had built up to a high level of anger.  All of this happened before I quit smoking and I am grateful for that because I can't blame their attitude on my nicotine withdrawal.

Next I was going to an AA meeting and my ride showed up early before I could get Annie put away.  The wife snarled at me that they didn't want the dog in the vehicle which I acknowledged.  Unfortunately, when I jumped Annie lunged; but, I was able to prevent her from getting completely in.  Linda told me to take Annie back and they would wait; but, as I turned to comply Richard just drove off.  I called them later to advise them that I expected to pay for any damage; but, I still have not received the courtesy of a call telling me to drop dead, eat shit, go to Hell (he's a retired Methodist Minister so I figure he has connections there).

Next the cleaning lady didn't show, didn't call, wouldn't answer her phone when I called, nor would she answer her phone when her agency called.  It would be simple if I could have just fired her a long time ago; but, she doesn't work for me.  She works sor an agency that provides services for the elderly and/or disabled.

Consequently my rage built and built and built throughout the day and despite the fact that I have Xanax, I will not take them unless I am experiencieng intense anxiety.  Now I am back to ground zero.  I do have a new tool that I can employ before I get to that stage again and I still have my psychiatrist's appointment coming up next week.

My question is 'How do other members of the group handle this type of or similar situations' and would you please share your experiences here.  I wuld really appreciate 1st hand personal factual experiences and solutions, not the advice of the 'self-annointed gurus' who haven't experienced the disorder and found a way to live.  That's why I hate doing Blogs; but, a couple of true friends advised me to go this route! 

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7 Replies
candylance
Member

Big Bear, I'm sorry for your "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad DAY"!! There is a book titled that for kids about a boy named Alexander. Are you familiar with it? One of my daughter's favorites. I'm bipolar. I bet you're not depressed. That's anger turned inward. I  probably would have gone to bed and covered my head. I take Klonopin for anxiety disorder but I take 3 a day to keep the anxiety at bay. I feel, and your psychiatrist will probably agree, that you let your anger get the best of you. as well as your anxiety. Sounds like you should be taking the Xanax on a regular basis. I'm glad that you have an appt. with your psychiatrist next week. I think, from reading your blog, that you WERE experiencing "intense anxiety", as well as anger. Deep breathe and breathe in less than you exhale. I feel for you because my meds are balanced, and I've not had any alcohol for the past 5 years. I'm also in AA.

Candy      d122

moody_9-18-13
Member

I hope you will also see your physician as soon as possible. You are diabetic and your blood sugar has gotten pretty low since you quit smoking from what you've shared with me. That is very dangerous and has adverse affects causing wild mood swings.  

When we quit smoking, the chemical changes that take place in our bodies can create a need to make major changes in our meds. ONLY YOUR DOCTOR should advise you on that, so get in his office post haste! I wish you would do that, please.

Here's a repost link of early withdrawal symptoms. You may find you are dealing with some of these symptoms, like most of us did, but you have other special issues you're dealing with in addition to withdrawal from nicotine.

 https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/09/19/a-repost-early-withdraw...

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Prior to your next quit date, make a list of all your triggers and in the other column what you will do in those situations instead of smoke.  (Chew straws, drink a glass of water. Stick your head in the freezer, laugh, sing at the top of your lungs, etc.).   And remember NOPE: not one puff ever. Smoking is no longer an option that way.   Best wishes and remember that smoking is a decision.

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GreenThumb3
Member

Ok talk to Doctor give you a free pass on this one but climb back on the horse and ride that bi___  you can do this you made it through the week don't keep choking them down get back on your commitment to stay quit 

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caingurl1
Member

Sorry for that horrible day you had! I have had plenty day like that. As some of you know I was diagnosed with Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic disorder, and agarophobia (this word might be spelled wrong). I have been TRYING to deal with these disorders without any meds. I only take the meds when I'm in treatment (inpatient). When I'm out, which is most of the time, I only depend on God, and my boyfriend for support/help. It is extremely hard to live like this on a daily basis, but over the years, I've noticed that I have gotten better than what I used to be; I believe in miracles (God)! There unfortunately have still been times where I've attempted suicide. There are still times that I wish I wasn't here, and I truly believe in my heart that if it wasn't for God's grace and my belief in him that I wouldn't be here right now. It is still a daily struggle, but I get through it one day, moment, situation at a time. I try to keep it positive no matter what might be going on in my life. That's far from easy because I've been such a negative person for most of my adult life. The only medicine that I have on hand is  Klonipin, and things have to get really bad before I will even take a half of one. I just threw away a whole bottle with only two absent because they expired. I just got a new script. I will take them if my withdrawals get totally out of whack. As far as for when things get bad and it seems like everything is coming against me and stuff happening one after the other I will do like Candy and go get in the bed and cover my head, but I would also cry out my frustrations and force myself to take a nap. By the time I wake up things will be better, and if not I go back to sleep again or just lay there and meditate/pray. That's what I did with my first quit when the withdrawals got to hard to bare. Sorry that you have to start over with your quit. Just keep trying no matter how many times it take to get your forever quit. Almost everyone that I talk to say that it took them more that one time to quit.

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Rosie1917
Member

Hi there bigbear1.

   I know the original post old, but it's applicable to so many of us out there. I'm also bipolar. And I quit for 8 days and started up again. And I have a slew of other physical health problems, like you. It's hard, but not impossible. I tried everything...the patch, the gum, patch and gum together, cold turkey, reading Allen Carr's Easy Way (that did get me quit for 3 months, but I drank for a week straight and started back up again - I have since quit drinking), and all combos of the above. I have even tried (and failed spectacularly) at tapering off (It doesn't work well for people with minimal impulse control and deep self hatred).

   All that said, I read some studies about the efficacy of Chantix on the bipolar community and it blew my mind. Apparently, we are super amazing and special and therefore are not more susceptible to the horror story side effects of the antagonist as "normal" people are. So I spoke with my doctor, she prescribed it to me, and I started my quit journey again. I'm on day 3 of Chantix and it is impressive. Smoking isn't just dull, it's outright repulsive. Being around smokers isn't alluring, it's kind of like suffering because it smells so bad. So...maybe you could try that? I had to work on getting myself stable, quit booze and build up my toolkit for managing swings and rage (I have SEVERE rage issues) before I believed I would be able to handle the upset of kicking nicotine addiction. But I never lost sight of the goal of freedom from this drug, from the grip of the addicts life, and for a more healthy and stable future. I hope this finds you both in good spirits and good health.

Barbscloud
Member

Hi again Rosie.   I know you realized this post was old, but you may not get a  response.  Can I suggest you "Post to My Blog"  and more Exer's will see it to lend their support.  You have a great message to share with others.

Barb