Six months came and went. I didn't even realize it until just yesterday which was about a week after the official date. What gave me the realization was that stupid dating website, okcupid. I have created and deleted about 100 different profiles. I like doing this because it gives me the opportunity to reinvent myself over and over. Each time, I am a radically different person. I answer the questions differently, I fill out all the essays differently, my photos, everything changes each time. Then, one day without warning, I delete the entire thing. It gives me a sense of satisfaction that I can imagine only fully is realized by the act of taking one's own life without warning, leaving everyone to wonder why. Did it have something to do with our last conversation? They may wonder. Was she offended by my attempt at being witty or was it my goatee? They ask themselves, but they will never know the real answer.
You may be wondering what this has to do with the six month marker of my quit, so here it is. I was going through the questionairre and one of the questions is, "Have you smoked a cigarette in the past six months?" Up until recently, although I had quit, I answered truthfully in the affirmative since it had not been that long. Out of habit, I answered yes. Yesterday as I was walking across campus, that question inexplicably came to mind and it occurred to me that I had in fact made it six months without so much as a puff. How strange it was to have that sudden realization when five and a half months ago, I was counting the hours, restlessly pacing and going for fitful walks around the block. Anything to escape the cravings that washed over me like sneaker waves, overwhelming me and dragging me helplessly into the depths of despair. Hard to believe that was once my biggest struggle. Let's see what the next wave brings.
